The Half Naked Truth

The always awesome Jason from The Jason Show recently posted some thoughts on nudity and asked his readers to share our favorite naked stories.  And who doesn't have one of those?  Without further ado, I humbly submit mine:


Back in the late 90s, in my late 20s, I was taking my last business trip out to California before I left my current job.  I was to meet up with our VP of Sales, Bob who had been my friend and mentor for the last seven years.  We were meeting with a series of companies headquartered in So Cal and capping it off with a sweet boondoggle Sales Meeting at a golf club in Rancho Santa Fe. 

Day one, I started off on the right foot by missing my early flight from Boston to LAX but managed to catch the next one -- with an upgrade to Business Class!  After meeting up at the Marriott,  Bob and I decided to go to Gladstone's on Sunset for dinner.  I had a glass of wine while we waited for our table and two more with dinner.  Upon our return to the hotel, we decided to hang in the cigar bar at the hotel (I mentioned it was the late 90s, right?) and ended up playing chess over another drink.

As I reached for my knight to make what I'm sure would have been a killer move,  I inadvertently took out most of the chess pieces.  Bob righted the board, suggested perhaps we should turn in, and walked me to the elevators. Apparently, all day travel + four glasses of wine + one meal in 24-hours for a 120-pound, 27-year-old woman was a bad combination.

Entering my hotel room, I took off my clothes, headed straight to the bathroom, (ahem) purged, and took a short nap.  Upon waking, I left the bathroom and walked...immediately...into...the...hotel corridor.  Naturally, the door locked behind me.   And there I stood; mostly asleep, still drunk, smelling not great, and wearing a t-shirt that barely covered the important parts - trying to formulate a plan.

- Appearing on Bob's doorstep in such a state was probably not such a good idea.
- Taking the elevator down to the lobby also held little appeal.
- Plan C?  Anyone? Bueller?

Just then, the door next to mine opened and a man appeared. Awesome. He took stock, reached the correct conclusion that I'd locked myself out, and generously offered to call Security.  He then asked if I'd like to wait in his room until they showed.  Dude, I'm drunk but not stupid.  Before I could formulate a less-rude reply, he said "correction, would you like to wait in my room with my sister and 14 month old niece?".  Oh.  Well then.  That's a horse of a different color. 

I enter his hotel room where his adorable niece is standing up in her Pack n Play clearly not ready to sleep.  I proceed to lean my make-up-smeared face over her, using my best auntie skillz while trying not to expose myself or breathe vomit/sleep breath on her.  Soon enough (probably not so for this family), Security arrived and I was let back into my hotel room to contemplate where one would find an AA meeting in the middle of the night in LA.

The next day at a breakfast meeting, God exacted His revenge by seating me next to a client who ordered sausage biscuits and gravy.

When Sally Met Forty

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally Albright: I don't see that.

Andy drives a 2005 Saab 93. He picked it up, brand-spanking-new, the day Gremlin was born. After Gremlin was born (we'll talk later). It's already got over 100,000 miles on it thanks to his 110-mile-a-day commute. It's never been in an accident but it's had the windshield replaced, the little Saab medallions on the hood and trunk have lost their paint, we need to get yet another set of tires, and it seems to go through headlights at at unusually high rate. Now, it's got some issue with the front struts, which is going to be pricey. It still looks pretty good and it drives like the wind.

The thing is? In these past (14) few months, somewhere between turning 40 and now? Much like the Saab, I've become high maintenance. I was taking an assessment the other day;

• I still need to lose those last (20) 10 pounds.
• I was trying to decide whether I was in more dire need of a hair cut or color. The answer was both.
• My eyebrows were about to connect with my eyelashes.
• Doing my makeup used to entail a little eyeliner and mascara. It now involves both concealer as well as foundation before we even get to the actual "make up" portion.
• I won't delve too deep into specifics but lets just say there's tweezing and plucking over which I must keep strict vigilance.
• Shorts Capri season is over so leg-shaving is definitely taking a back seat. Sexxay.
• My nails are snapping off at an alarming rate due to my obsessive compulsive hand washing.

From my heels to my hair, I can't think of an area of my body that doesn't require some kind of ongoing upkeep. I watch my husband get ready in the morning. Shower, shave, dress, leave.

Is it time to trade in for a newer model? Nah. Do I still clean up pretty well? Sure. But damn. All this maintenance is time-consuming and costly. Just like driving the Saab.

How are you holding up?

Go Ahead. Make my Day.

Last night, I danced upstairs to join my husband with a huge grin on my face! No babe, you're not getting lucky but I just did! Remember that one guy I told you about back in college? A friend of a friend, we sometimes hung around in the same circles. Remember I was interested in him and he even gave me a ride home one night and we spent a little "quality time" in the front seat of his two-door hatchback?

Remember how I thanked God our little tryst didn't extend beyond the pretty innocent make out session? Because, the next day, when my friend, Jen and I ran into him? There was no knowing eye contact, no request for a real date, no sly/flirty exchange, there was merely a lack of acknowledgment.

Let's be honest, the real reason we in the over 40 30 set join Facebook is to see how our high school/college compatriots are holding up in comparison to how we are. Some we friend, some we don't. Some we cyberstalk. Sometimes, the stars and planets align and we see a former crush show up in mutual friend's comment stream.

And sometimes they look like shit.

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last August after a full summer of gym-skipping and weight gain. Last weekend, it was brought back into sharp relief when I arrived at BlogHer weighing nearly 10 pounds more than I did at the beginning of the summer. Who the eff gains weight to meet people they're hoping to impress? Me! The same person who should be working to increase her readership thanks to wonderful contacts made at aforementioned BlogHer and instead posts a repeat!

Thanks, PMS/peri-menopause/metabolism freak-out/stress-eating/empty alcohol caloric intake/total lack of exercise. And of course, my children. And now, we at SJAMM proudly present...

You Can't Go Om Again...

Dick Clark:
Welcome to $25,000 Pyramid! Let's play our game!


Joan Van Ark:
Babysitting
Day Camp
Family Time
Hangover
Playdates
Running of the Brides
Swimming Lessons
Vacation
Weekend Get-Away
Yoganatrix

Brett Sommers:
Reasons why Christine hasn't been to yoga in over a month?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Gavin McLeod:
Loss of Flexibility
Loss of Muscletone
Neck Pain
Return of Cellulite
Stressed Out
Weight Gain

Charles Nelson Reilly:
Results of Christine's absence from yoga?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Paul Lynde:
Glad to Be Back
Out of Shape
Stiff
Tired
Uncoordinated

Whoopie Goldberg:
How Christine felt to be back in yoga today?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Dick Clark:
Christine wins three months of yoga at her gym to get back to where she was in June!

Thank you all for playing our game!


Namaste.

Pheromone Phriday

There's a hot guy in yoga class and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I mean, on the one hand THERE'S A HOT GUY IN YOGA CLASS! He's got a sort of Taye Diggs quality about him although not quite as buff (few are). Did I mention he groans and breathes heavily when he's working a posture? He's friendly, complimentary of our work, and earnestly trying. And two weeks in a row, he's parked his mat next to mine!

On the other hand, he's changing the atmosphere of the class. The Friday class is made up of women like me, a few older women, and like one guy there with his pregnant wife. Yoga is one of the few places I go where I don't think about how I look. I'm going there to improve my body and calm my mind. Now suddenly, I'm wondering about or worse yet, checking out my ass as I move through Warrior II into Extended Side Angle.

The thing is I'm not the only one acting like a sophomore trying to be cool in front of the captain of the football team. Class regular, Liz is sidling up to a stretched-out Taye before class and providing him with a demonstration of how he might better work his downward dog. Mmm Hmm. And Lisa, our bookish, sweet instructor is suddenly spending juuuust a leettle more time with him "may I assist you?" she asks. But that's not what I see in her eyes.

So. What to do? I suppose I'll look on it as a positive. Skipping Friday yoga won't be quite as attractive as it's been at times. I really needed some cute new yoga clothes. And we'll find out if sweatproof makeup lives up to the hype.

Namaste.

To-Worry List

Am I consistent enough?
Am I impatient?
Am I kind enough to myself?
Am I strict enough?
Am I taking myself too seriously?
Am I taking them too seriously?
Am I too hard on myself?
Am I too hard on them?
Am I too strict?
Are they developing friendships the way they should?
Are they happy?
Are they spoiled?
Are they too physical?
Did I read to HRH more than I read to Gremlin?
Do I change their sheets often enough?
Do I expect too little of them?
Do I expect too much from Andy?
Do I expect too much of them?
Do I expect too much of them?
Do I show enough patience?
Do I spend too much time on the computer?
Do I worry too much about how others perceive us?
Do I yell too much?
Do they eat enough vegetables?
Do they fight too much?
Do they have enough alone time with us?
Do they realize how much they are loved?
Do they spend enough time with Daddy?
Do they spend too much time on the computer/video game?
Do they watch too much TV?
Do we have enough rules?
Do we model behavior correctly?
Have I established clear behavioral guidelines?
He doesn't know all his letters, HRH did at this age.
How do I teach them empathy?
Is he too sensitive?
Should I force him to give up the pacifier?
Should I give them chores?
Should I give them vitamins?
Should we teach them more about religion?
What do I do when I reach the end of my rope?
What do their teachers think of me?
Why can't he play independently?
Why can't I admit I need help?
Why do I feel like I've failed if I get help?
Why do other moms seem to have it more together than me?
Why is this so hard?

Now what?

Nutrisystem By the Numbers

Days on Nutrisystem: 21

Nutrisystem meals eaten: 61*

Number of spinach salads eaten: 42

Most surprisingly good Nutrisystem entree: tie: Chicken Salad and Cajun Chicken and Rice

Number of Nutrisystem entrees that smell like dogfood: 1 (Homestyle Beef and Gravy - eww)

Number of Nutrisystem "suggested" entrees most likely to be donated to a food pantry: 1 (Split Pea Soup - double eww)

Total ounces of water consumed: 1,344
% increase: 200%

Total trips to the ladies room: Incalculable

Total Glasses of Wine Consumed: 4*
% decrease: 73%

Total Starbucks Venti Chai's Consumed: 3
% decrease: 86%

Estimated number of vices remaining: 3

Number of yoga classes attended during first two weeks of program: 0

Number of yoga classes attended in third week of program: 4

Total Weight Lost: 7.5 lbs

Average cost per pound lost: $29.90

Average pounds lost per day: 0.36 lbs

Number of days until Disney World trip: 26

Mind If I Axe You a Question?

As part of my Christmas present, Andy bought me a really nice pair of Dolce and Gabana sunglasses. So nice in fact, that I initially though the glasses case they came in was actually a really cute clutch purse.

Now I haven't paid more than $16.00 for a pair of Target sunglasses in nearly seven years. I do like the ones he got me but am unsure whether they really work for my current sweater-and-jeans lifestyle. So I need some help deciding.

Here's me, sunglasses-less (yes, my hair is huge, I'm learning to live with it):Here's me in my current, Target sunglasses (please ignore "necky-ness" - trust me when I tell you this was the best of the bunch.):

Here's me in my super-cool D&Gs:

Well, what do you think?

What to Really Expect

For my friend, Jennifer, who is expecting her first child. These are the things that they can't tell you in books. I give you HRH's six-year check up.

The initial aspects of the physical are going pretty well; height - check, weight - check, eyes/ears/nose/mouth -check. The pediatrician has HRH stand up, touch his nose, touch his toes, pull down his pants - wha? What was that last thing?? HRH is awash in shyness and confusion while I'm doing the "Doctors, Mommy and Daddy" privacy song and dance.

Eventually, HRH mans up and pulls down his boxers. The doctor gets enough of a glance to note that everything is where it should be. Aaaand now it's time for three immunizations, a blood test and a urine test.

We got him on the first shot with the sneak attack. For the second and third, I'm half-lying across the exam table with his legs in a scissor hold between mine, while pinning his hands against my body, exposing one bicep as he screaches in my left ear.

Next, we're off to the lab for blood work. HRH is still hyperventilating when he realizes we're not headed to the car and starts running. I catch up, grab him, and drag him into the lab. More pinning, more screaming ensues but eventually 0.001 cc of blood is drawn from his index finger. The tech then hands me a sample cup. Like I could ever coerce him into peeing into it. I give her the 'you gotta be kidding me' look and she agrees that perhaps I can take it with us and get a sample later. Better plan.

By the time I'm carrying my 45 pound 'baby' out of the building, he is literally speaking in tongues. I don't know what he was saying but it was not English. The only thing to comfort and quiet him? A special occasion (Strawberries and Cream Frapuccino) drink from Starbucks. That's my boy.

Motherhood: A full-contact sport.

Do's and Don't's When Attempting to Adhere To a Strict Diet

1. Get off the mall elevator in front of the Lindt Chocolate store - Don't
   
2. Make your boys extra chocolatey hot chocolate with mini marshmallows - Don't
   
3. Serve only food you don't really anyway for dinner for your family - Do
   
4. Get the boy McDonalds on your way home to eat a delicious NutriSystem lunch - Don't
   
5. Purchase seasonal candles in any of the following fragrances: Egg Nog, Christmas Cookies, Cinnamon and Sugar - Don't
   + Alternate suggestions would be Balsam, Cedar, Tripe, and Morning Breath
   
6. Eat your afternoon snack allotment of 15 grapes (it's a full serving why are you still hungry damn it!) near your grape-loving boy - Don't
   
7. Consider at least twice daily infusions of English Breakfast Tea (and the glorious caffeine contained within) to be necessary for the well-being of your family - DO
   
8. Re-route all travel to avoid all known Starbucks locations - most especially the drive thru - Do
   
9. Recognize that 64 ounces of water is about 59 ounces more than you typically drink in a given day - Do
   
10. Calculate the nearest restroom in any given destination immediately upon entering - Do
    
11. Convince yourself that eating frozen pancakes, dinosaur chicken, and spaghetti with butter and salt for a month straight will not stunt your children's growth - Do
    + (Bonus: Dinner Hero status from aforementioned children).
    
12. Notice the aroma of sweetness coming from the discarded M&Ms on the floor of the backseat - Don't
    
13. Remind yourself you need to fit into your summer clothes in less than two months - Do
    
14. Try on said summer clothes to put an exclamation point on your good intentions - DON'T
    + It's just too depressing.
    
15. Start a strict diet ten days before Christmas - Don't

Privacy Please

We've been having the occasional conversation about privacy and its importance; in the bathroom, while changing, not touching, who can and can't touch private parts, etc. The usual careful parents stuff.

This morning on Nick Jr., Max and Ruby were having a debate about a private clubhouse Ruby had started with her friend, Louise.

HRH, imparting the following wisdom to RC: Private means something that no one else can have or touch.

MM: HRH, excellent explanation to your little brother!

HRH: Yeah, Mom. Private. Like your breasts.

Message received.

Manic Mommy Goes to Step Aerobics...

Damn it. Five minutes late. Maybe I'll just do the machines. Nah. Just go in.

Oh great. Only space left located behind the column. Just as well, I don't like to cause a fuss. Heh.

Out of step and out of breath. Already.

OMG. If the instructor's ass jiggles, what must I look like?

What was I thinking trying to do football drills after birthing two babies?

Back from Ladies Room. Much better.

It's 9:20. Maybe I'll leave at 9:30.

Shit. I've already finished my water.

Jeez. Someone in here really smells bad.

OMG. I hope it's not me.

Probably not me.

I'm hungry. Wish I'd eaten something.

Nah. I would have thrown it up by now.

Why does the instructor keep coming over by me?

Wrong foot (again).

Maybe that's why.

Oh, I remember this from when I used to take Step back in the 90s...in my 20s.

That woman in the back is taking her pulse. Is she having a heart attack?

God, all I need is the white man's overbite and I'll look like Billy Crystal at a wedding.

I was dancing at the wedding Saturday night. Does that count as exercise?

Nah. Probably just offsets the food and drinking.

Those stuffed mushrooms were delicious.

Heh. The girl with the tattoos is finally out of step.

Wow. Marilyn's only lifting one weight at a time. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought.

Damn. She's got the eight pounders.

Oh! Abba! Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeen.

My lungs are burning.

Maybe I'll stay for my regular yoga class after this.

Need to take a little rest or I'm gonna die.

Probably not staying for yoga.

I feel so bad for Jen having to be behind me.

I wonder if I'll get better if I come every week.

Thank God. It's 9:50. We're almost done.

I'm gonna make it.

What? We're doing crunches now?

Crunches? Dude.

I...am...so...DONE...

Life - A Snapshot

Background:

HRH's class has been given a few disposable cameras and an assignment to take pictures of their house, neighborhood, favorite room, family, etc. HRH is the last in the class to take the camera home. There were about seven or eight pictures left.

Scene:

Manic Mommy stepping out of the shower, naked as the day she was born (clearly, you can already see where this is headed).

A knock on the door.

RC enters carrying disposable camera that is part of HRH's homework.

RC: I just want to take one picture.

MM (mirror strategically behind her, of course) simultaneously reaches for a towel and the camera. Screeches: NOOOOO!!! Don't take the picture!!

Options:

1. Run camera over with newly-repaired truck.

2. Develop all pictures to determine if nudie pic of naked mommy was, in fact taken. Also to be taken into consideration: person working the photo desk at Target.

3. Hand the camera back to kindergarten teacher and hope for the best.

You Can't Go Om Again...

Dick Clark:
Welcome to $25,000 Pyramid! Let's play our game!


Joan Van Ark:
Babysitting
Day Camp
Family Time
Hangover
Playdates
Running of the Brides
Swimming Lessons
Vacation
Weekend Get-Away
Yoganatrix

Brett Sommers:
Reasons why Christine hasn't been to yoga in over a month?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Gavin McLeod:
Loss of Flexibility
Loss of Muscletone
Neck Pain
Return of Cellulite
Stressed Out
Weight Gain

Charles Nelson Reilly:
Results of Christine's absence from yoga?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Paul Lynde:
Glad to Be Back
Out of Shape
Stiff
Tired
Uncoordinated

Whoopie Goldberg:
How Christine felt to be back in yoga today?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Dick Clark:
Christine wins three months of yoga at her gym to get back to where she was in June!

Thank you all for playing our game!


Namaste.

1 Year Blogoversary - 100 Things

I started reading blogs around April or May of 2007, when my friend and neighbor send me a link. By June, I was hooked. By July, HRH fell and split his head open - and my first post was born. I started my blog right around the time of BlogHer 07. It seemed fitting.

This week, I am again home while bloggers from across the nation converge to discuss, learn, and drink. But it was different. This year, I would have had friends to hang out with. I may have even had a roommate. And each day, each month, I find more friends and more in common with women I may never meet but whom I feel I know well only through their words and my own.

In honor of my first Blogoversary, I give to you, My 100 Things:

1. I had my tonsils out when I was 4. When I was in my late 20s, I went to an ENT specialist following a series of strep throat infections and learned that they had grown back.

2. This same thing happened to my mother-in-law

3. I can touch my nose with my tongue

4. When I was eight years old, I knocked boiling water onto my left ankle while we were camping. I can still remember my mother and uncle grabbing me and peeling off my sneaker and sock, and watching my skin peel off with it.

5. When I was 20 and all my friends had already turned 21, I had a fake ID that I used.

6. My name was Maria Siasios and the license listed me as 5’ 2”. I’m 5’7”

7. One night at The Boston Beach Club, a guy I was flirting with talking to saw it and told me he was with the ABC (Alcoholic Beverage Commission). My friend, Jen grabbed me and we hauled ass out of the club.

8. Years later, I was telling this story and my brother-in-law told me this was a ploy he used to use.

9. I’m going to be co-maid of honor in my younger sister’s wedding next spring.

10. My older sister is the other maid.

11. We are both married but refuse to use the term “matron”

12. I have been in eight weddings.

13. We were also co-maids-of-honor at my cousin’s wedding, nearly 9 years ago.

14. This same cousin and I were engaged at the same time, got married within six months of each other and have been pregnant with each of our respective two children at the same time.

15. She’s pregnant again and due in January.

16. She’s flying solo this time.

17. Despite my earlier yearnings, I think we’re gonna sit tight with the two we’ve already got.

18. My driver’s license expires on 09/09/09.

19. The same thing happened a few (uh, like 10) years ago, when it expired on 9/9/99.

20. On a work boondoggle trip to Vegas, I learned how to play craps and kept winning on number 9.

21. That was my third trip to Vegas for work and the first time I actually enjoyed being there.

22. Andy and I went to Vegas three months after 9/11 and stayed two nights at the New York New York, with non-stop round trip tickets from Boston for $550.00 total for the both of us.

23. I have a restraining order against an old boyfriend whom I found in my bedroom closet five years after we broke up.

24. Andy and I were introduced by JD Power’s daughter.

25. She’s married to Andy’s cousin and I used to work with her.

26. Two years ago, we had JD and his wife over for Thanksgiving dinner.

27. I pushed Andy away for more than a year, insisting we were “just friends” because of my steamer trunk baggage.

28. He didn’t give up on me, thank God.

29. Both of my boys were born with their umbilical cord wrapped around their neck.

30. HRH was born a month to the day early at 5 lbs 9 oz.

31. RC was born via emergency c-section at 6 lbs 14 oz.

32. I much preferred the Cesarean to pushing a baby out of my vagina.

33. I love Mexican food.

34. I could eat nothing but guacamole and chips quite happily for the rest of my life.

35. I was eating and later threw up guacamole the night I went into labor with HRH.

36. I like California Mexican better than Tex-Mex.

37. I visited San Antonio on business quite a few times a few years ago.

38. People in San Antonio really do wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats – and drive pickups.

39. The Alamo is really, really boring. And small. The Riverwalk is quite cool.

40. I have a theme song. It’s Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.

41. Jimmy Buffett does a nice cover of it and when we’re at the concert, I pretend he’s singing it just to me.

42. This will be my 11th year seeing Jimmy Buffett in concert.

43. I’m claustrophobic but not debilitatingly so. More like, if given a choice, I’ll take the stairs.

44. I’m not ticklish.

45. Change is really hard for me. Even if I’m going out to do something I really want to do, part of me is thinking “maybe we can just stay home and watch TV.”

46. I have a head for trivia and useless knowledge.

47. My sister recently called me for that word that describes words that are spelled the same backwards and forwards, like racecar.

48. That word is palindrome.

49. I love board games. Trivial Pursuit in particular. Go figure.

50. The problem is that I judge people’s intelligence based on their game-playing prowess.

51. I also do this with misspelled/mispronounced/misused words.

52. This is why I find texting language so difficult.

53. Kevin Bacon is A Number 1 on my List.

54. You know, the free pass your spouse gives you to sleep with one (usually famous) person should you ever find yourself presented with the opportunity.

55. KB has been on the top of my list since I saw him in Footloose when I was 15.

56. George Clooney currently resides in second place.

57. Ocean’s 11 is on right now and I hate Julia Robert’s gold lame dress.

58. I also think she walks with the grace of an elephant, although she’s supposed to play elegant.

59. I think Michelle Pfeiffer is luminous. George described her as such in One Fine Day.

60. Andy and I both love The Mummy with Brenden Fraser and Rachel Weisz.

61. Rachel Weisz is probably currently Andy’s A Number 1.

62. I was baptized Catholic and spent 12 years in Catholic school.

63. We baptized both our boys Catholic.

64. I went to church religiously weekly until after we were married.

65. Clearly Andy’s converted me to The Dark Side

66. I used to be a lector at my church.

67. These days, I am an ala carte Catholic

68. There’s too much I don’t agree with.

69. I wanted to convert to Episcopal but Andy believes “you gotta dance with the one that brung ya.”

70. I absolutely believe in God.

71. There’s too much out there that had to be created by a higher power.

72. I also believe that there is a universality that exists, linking all of us together and affecting the outcome.

73. I think that people who say they are spiritual but not religious haven’t figured out what they’re looking for.

74. We’re sending HRH to Catholic school in the fall.

75. We’ll have to start attending church again.

76. You know, so we’re not hypocritical.

77. I’ve been cramming with him to learn The Sign of the Cross, Hail Mary and Our Father.

78. We have been doing ‘God Blesses’ with the boys since they were infants.

79. We talk about God and Heaven and they know who The Big Man is.

80. We’re sending him to Catholic school less because we want him to receive a Catholic-centric education as because we don’t like the alternatives available to us in our current public school system.

81. Generally, I feel that good public schools offer more alternatives than parochial schools.

82. Education is a top priority in Andy’s family.

83. He and his four siblings all went to top private schools.

84. I’ve completed four years of college but don’t have a degree.

85. That is really, really hard for me to admit.

86. I had this stupid idea you were supposed to know what you wanted to be when you grew up in order to complete college.

87. My dad was a blue collar hero whose favorite expression was ‘fucking yuppies.’

88. As a result, I didn’t get a lot of support from him on the college front.

89. Especially when I was initially an undeclared major.

90. Working without a degree and doing pretty well taught me that you don’t have to love what you do to be good at it.

91. One of my biggest regrets is not going away to college. I partially blame a tiny Catholic school and a really shitty guidance counselor for that.

92. Not having a degree is my biggest insecurity.

93. I’m very smart but don’t have the piece of paper to back it up.

94. I have finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up; interior design.

95. I get to go to school when RC starts full-time kindergarten. Two years and counting.

96. I think if I were to pursue a career without first finishing my degree, it would be Real Estate.

97. Part of the reason I will get my degree is so I can never be an excuse for my kids.

98. I used to think I was a very good writer before I started reading blogs.

99. I still think I’m a good writer.

100. I know I am a survivor.

Won Word Meme

Last week, I joined AllMediocre in the interest of getting a little more traffic to my site (cause I need validation like that) and I'm always interested in reading blogs that might have something in common with mine. Since then, I've been having a good time linking around (cause I'm a bit of a blog slut like that) and reading new friends.

Tonight, I linked onto A Mom Two Boys (cause it sounds familiar) and was on post number 5 or 6 before I realized that it was Meghan who had actually founded All Mediocre (cause I'm sharp like that).

Meghan was tagged with a meme in which you have to answer each question with only one word. Her answers were cute and funny but what made them unusual was that she included a second set of answers expanding on her original single-word answer. I'm stealing both the meme and the extended mix version (cause I like to pay homage like that). I'm also adding A Mom Two Boys to my feeds (cause I like her style).

1. Where is your cell phone? Bag

2. Your significant other? Andy

3. Your hair? Curly

4. Your mother? Me

5. Your father? Dead

6. Your favorite thing? Sleep

7. Your dream last night? ??

8 Your favorite drink? Wine

9. Your dream/goal? Retirement

10. The room you’re in? Kitchen

11. Your hobby? Yoga

12. Your fear? Trouble

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Designing

14. What you’re not? Confident

15. Muffins? Eh

16. One of your wish list items? Bath

17. Where you grew up? Bostonish

18. The last thing you did? TV

19. What are you wearing? Shorts

20. Favorite Gadget? Cell

21. Your pets? Superfluous

22. Your computer? New!!

23. Your mood? Eh

24. Missing someone? Yeah

25. Your car? Hazmat

26. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

27. Favorite store? Target

28. Like someone? Huz

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? 4:00-ish

31. Last time you cried? Years

Now the DJ-AM Extended Club Mix:

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse. Mostly dead. I have to remember to charge it when I'm home because the majority of my car trips are too short to get a good charge.

2. Your significant other? Andy. Just called me into the living room to watch Princess Leah in chains

3. Your hair? Curly. I got it cut over a week ago but still haven't bothered to style it because it's been too humid. And humid + curly = frizz.

4. Your mother? Me. I know what I'm going to be 22 years from now. Always have.

5. Your father? Dead. I let that sleeping dog lie.

6. Your favorite thing? Sleep. Sad, but at this juncture, probably true.

7. Your dream last night? I dreamed a 3-year-old kept getting out of his bed and coming into mine. Oh...wait...

8 Your favorite drink? Wine or maybe Tea. No. Wine.

9. Your dream/goal? Retirement. Summer on the Cape. Winter in Naples, Fl. Freelancing if we want to. And as long as it doesn't interfere with travel or golf.

10. The room you’re in? Kitchen. Because I need to be sitting at a table or desk to type well.

11. Your hobby? Yoga. It goes with that whole mind/body/spirit thing I'm working on.

12. Your fear? Trouble. AKA something bad happening to my family.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Designing. The plan is that after the boys are in school full time, I go back to Boston Architectural College to study interior design. It's good to be nearly 40 and finally figure out what you want to be when you grow up.

14. What you’re not? Confident. I'll let that one stand alone for now as well

15. Muffins? Eh. Brownies on the other hand...

16. One of your wish list items? Bath. As in Master. Whenever we talk about a new house, that is an absolute. The definition of true luxury.

17. Where you grew up? Bostonish. Basically, I've lived in two towns my whole life.

18. The last thing you did? TV. I love almost anything on HGTV. Tonight it was Curb Appeal and Hidden Potential. I can't be bothered to link them.

19. What are you wearing? Shorts. It's 9:46 and still 80 degrees outside. The kitchen temp is 74.7 in case you were interested.

20. Favorite Gadget? Cell phone. I don't know anyone's phone number, I just know their speed dial. I also keep my appointments in there, and take lots of pictures.

21. Your pets? Superfluous. Not true but I needed just one word. They were my practice babies. While we're on vacation, we're making my sister stay at my mother's house so Maddie doesn't need to go to a kennel because at 8 years old, my dog has never spent a single night by herself. I don't think she knows she's a dog and not a person.

22. Your computer? New!! The funny thing is I needed a laptop so I could blog anywhere yet somehow I always end up in the kitchen.

23. Your mood? Eh. I'm in kind of a weird place right now. The boys are kicking my ass and I'm having trouble getting back in the zone.

24. Missing someone? Yeah. My best friend, Chris. It's a long story.

25. Your car? Hazmat. Not only is it my car but it's the family car, too. Just today, I proposed we hang onto it for a boat hauler/winter vehicle for Andy because the trade in will be junk anyway. This will leave me free to get something that still works for the kids and us but has a little more style/better fuel economy. I'm thinking possibly a CR-V.

26. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes. Now it's 79.7 degrees outside

27. Favorite store? Target. Where else can you go to buy a printer ink cartridge, personal lubricant, and five pounds of almonds? Exactly.

28. Like someone? Huz. Andy and I have these 'dates' where we sit in the kitchen, drink wine, and talk. It's sort of nice after 8 years of marriage to still have something to say to one another.

29. Your favorite color? Green (like my cooking)

30. When was the last time you laughed? Earlier. When I came downstairs and found a naked RC coming in the back door stating "I just peed on the deck."

31. Last time you cried? Years. My mom calls us 'the frozen chosen.' Just keep pushing those emotions down, pushing them down.

And hey, look! I'm breaking with tradition and tagging JCK at Motherscribe (cause she's going to Blogher and I'm soooo envious) and Fran at Merlot Mom (cause she is too, dammit!).

Don't Stop the (Birth Story) Carnival

Sarcastic Mom sponsored a Birth Story Carnival, asking everyone to post their stories of how she became a mother. The carnival was scheduled for March 24th but...

Sunday, November 17th, one month and one day before my due date, Andy, my BIL, and I were watching the Patriots play the Raiders on Sunday Night Football while I consumed my weight in guacamole and chips, feeling HRH doing aerobics in my abdomen. I went to bed somewhere around the 3rd quarter and the Braxton-Hicks continued.

Around 1:00 am, I went to the bathroom and upon returning to our room, commented to my unconscious husband that something was up (where "up" = mucus plug) and climbed back into bed. Maybe another half hour passed and the contractions continued and got stronger. I leaned over to Andy and, touching him lightly on the shoulder, whispered, "Honey, I think I'm in labor."

In no less than three seconds, Andy is out of the bed, lights on, and has gone from boxers and a t-shirt to jeans and a sweatshirt. And he's accusing me questioning me about what's going on while I am thumbing through the 'false labor' section of What to Expect When You're Expecting and learning nothing. I call my OB's office and get a call back from the on-call physician, who asks me in his German accent what my previous labors had been like (Dude? Previous labors? Didn't you read the first sentence? This is how I became a mother.)

When the contractions were around 3 minutes apart, we decide that we'd rather go to the hospital and have professionals laugh at us for crying wolf. But not before Andy packs a bag for me - containing six face cloths(?) and two pairs of his socks (I did end up using the socks). Thanks, babe.

On the surreal, 20-minute ride to the hospital, it occurs to us that we may indeed become parents that night and perhaps we needed to decide on a name (we knew it was a boy). Between contractions, we arrived at HRH.

We arrived at the hospital around 3:00 am and parked in the fire lane (I still have the parking ticket as a souvenir). We arrive in the ER and find a nurse to check us in. She explains we need to go to Labor and Delivery and of course, we know where that is. Uh, no. The tour part of our prenatal class was scheduled for the following Tuesday. Did I mention I was a month early? So we get directions and head down to a locked door and press the intercom. A woman answers and I (feeling like Dorothy at the door to the Emerald City) say "Um, my name is Christine Manic and I think I'm having a baby?"

Thank God, we were now in the hands of more competent and knowledgeable people. I was ushered into a very nice room, given the once over and it was determined that I was indeed in labor. Cause these things were really starting to hurt.

0.25 seconds later, I asked for drugs.

Remember the guac from earlier? Yeah, so did I. Proud, bonding moments passed between myself and my husband (who had heretofore never even seen me pee) and the toilet as I adjusted to labor. Eventually, I was in bed and given a Nubain IV, which allowed me to sleep between contractions (mmm....sleep....contraction! owwwwww!....sleep...) and then my boyfriend the anesthesiologist arrived to place a red hot poker needle into my spine with that great, "move-and-you're-paralyzed" warning. I was. not. impressed. with the Epidural.

More time (weeks, maybe months) elapsed and I opened my eyes to find my team and my husband watching The Today Show. I spun my head 360 degrees and demanded to know why Katie Couric was on TV. They switched off the television and got down to business; it was TIME TO PUSH.

Of course being a month early, my doctor was away so the on-call OB, Dr. Mengele arrived. I suck at pushing. I told him the epidural wasn't working. He did not care. And told me more meds would slow progress. I think he studied medicine straight out of the bad parts of the Bible where women must endure the pain of childbirth to atone for Eve's sins. To this day, I hate him.

After about two hours of "he's just around the bend" (Bend? What freakin' bend? What do you mean my body is shaped like a J?), my nurse finally turned on the tough love and demanded that I get at least two to three good pushes out of each contraction. Andy hears this and decides to try this approach with me as well - once.

He then wisely returned to holding my hand and shoveling ice chips into my waiting mouth. Finally, the baby was crowning. Using that same drill sergeant voice that had worked so well on me, the nurse instructed Andy to take a look. He left my side and peered down, returning seconds later, white as a sheet. He later told me his only thought was "that's one big vagina." He stayed up by my head throughout the rest.

At 10:26 am, after nearly four hours of pushing, I finally PUSHED just the right way and was rewarded with my beautiful 5 pound (head) and 9 ounce (body) baby boy.

It wasn't until they went to push the pitocin through my IV that they realized that the IV had come out and I wasn't getting the drugs. Andy fessed up that he'd been inadvertently stepping on the IV tubing throughout the night. My own OB also later told me that I'd reacted poorly to the epidural and he'd watch for that next time.

What I remember most of the next hours and days was the first time I was alone with HRH. I looked at him and knew him; he looked familiar - not in a 'he looks like his dad' kind of way but more of an 'I know you.'

And I was a mom.

Inside the Over-Reactor's Studio

Guys, this was so fun. Thanks for coming through for me. And the Oscar goes to...

Phoenix wanted to know...

1. Favorite Book of all time?
Such a hard question. Recently? I've read all the Harry Potters with varying degrees of enjoyment but most enjoy sharing the thoughts, and ideas, and messages with my nieces. I liked DaVinci Code by liked Angels and Demons much better. I was thinking about all the Judy Blumes that I read as an adolescent and how really, really great they were.

Then I came up with Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. It was assigned reading my sophomore year in high school and it's stayed with me to this day. It's a sort of pre-Orwellian look at the future in an engineered society but with British humor and insight.

2. What the heck are your kids names?
HRH is His Royal Highness. That pseudonym was easy because he was the first grandchild born on Andy's side of the family who actually lived in this state. He is the second coming in the eyes of my MIL and SIL. Not such a bad thing. Except when he starts to believe his own press - or worse, when I do. RC is for Roger Clemens. Because he throws. EVERYTHING. I would have used Monkey but it was already taken. I think about changing RC's pseudonym but then find myself using it in emails to people I know IRL.

3. What made you want to blog?
Desperation. I stopped working (for money) in October of 2006. By March I was going insane. I joined the gym for sanity and yoga. One day, HRH had a complete meltdown in the parking lot of the gym and I found myself yelling back like a four-year-old; "It's not fair!" and I realized I needed to find a few like-minded people to rant to and have rant back. I think it's worked out pretty well.

4. How did you meet your husband?
Andy's version is that we met at Hooters. Anyone who has seen me and my girls knows this is not true. We were a set up. I was headed into town with my girlfriends and a friend at work told me to come to this bar where her friend's band was playing. Her husband is Andy's cousin, who had also been told to 'come hear the band'. The best part is that RJ Fitz, the bar in Boston where we met, was actually bought out by Hooters.

merlotmom asks...
5. If your husband gave you permission to sleep with one person, just once, of course, who would it be?
Not a second of hesitation or forethought needed because he knows and I have a list. Number one is Kevin Bacon. I loved him in Footloose and every movie since. He works for me. Big. Time. Like Bossy and John Cusak without The Thompson Twins playing in the background.

I loved this question and often ask it of others. Andy's number one is Salma Hayek.

slouching mom said...
6. How does your husband feel about your blogging?

He views it as a necessary evil. Kind of like antibiotics. He recognizes the value of my being able to relate to others even if he can't totally understand it. He likes my stories and likes the way I write, so that's a bonus. He definitely keeps the safety of our family at the forefront of his mind.

***as I was finishing up this post, Andy opened the door and said "you're not going to answer the names question, are you?" ***

Jen said...
7. Who's your favorite neighbor?

Yes, those Cheeky Little Monkeys are my neighbors. And they are the best you could ask for. We're thinking of taking them with us when we move. But don't worry, New Girl. She doesn't know my real name either.

8. What do you miss most about "life before kids"?

SLEEP. Actually, I miss just hanging out with my husband. We used to call each other at the end of the work day and decide if we were headed home or headed straight to our bar (where everyone knows your name) and meet up with all our other DINK friends.

And speak of the devil, the new girl asks...
9. What really scares you?

I guess you need to define 'really.' I'm terrified of centipedes, I don't like torture porn, and I'm medium-claustrophobic but what *really* scares me, is anything happening to my kids. Especially if it were in my presence and outside of my control. We couldn't even keep watching Syriana after Matt Damon's son dies. Thank you for getting all morbid on me. :-)~

JCK wanted to know...
10. Do you blog at the same time every day or at different times?

It's funny you ask this because I have noticed that most of us do it after 8:00 pm ET. I'm thinking bed time? Anyone?

I kind of have a pattern; I wake up, quickly check emails and blogs while getting the kids ready for the day, check/read/possibly write while RC is down for his nap, provided HRH is otherwise happy and engaged. Lastly, I check in post-kids' bedtime. Andy and I wrangle for computer time as we only have one currently working.

Mimi cracked me up with...
11. I don't know you at all: sum it up on one sentence?

Insecure, 39-year-old SAHM still waiting to feel like a grownup, with two brilliant, infuriating preschoolers, married to a man I like and love and deciding whether or not to 'go for the girl' before the timer runs out.

There you have it; in one big fat, run-on sentence.

ImpostorMom said...
12. What is the thing you like to do most with "you" time?

I really enjoy yoga. It relaxes and rejuvenates me. I would also like to look into meditation learn more about wine.

sue asked...
13. If you could go back to one moment in time and change it, what would the moment be and how would you change it?

October, 1989. I would un-meet Scott.

JCK said...
O.K., I have another one. How did you get so damn funny? Your comment about Sawyer on my blog made me almost pee my pants. I agree!!

I'm not going to answer this. I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that at least one other person in the blogisphere gets my sense of humor. Thank you JCK, clearly you rock.

Ask Wifey said...
14. I love your "Mommy's Time Out" wine bottle. Which do you prefer - white or red?

Oh, I'm an equal opportunity Whino. I've been on reds for a few years now. I love Pinot Noir, Merlot, Cabernet, and Andy and I brought home 11 bottles of Chianti from our honeymoon in Italy. That being said, I love freezing cold Santa Margarita Pinot Grigio in the summer and found an absolutely wonderful Chablis through a local wine store.

KC's question was...
15. If you had an extra hour in your day, how would you spend it?

SLEEPING. God, I fear this is true. Either that or I'd probably use it for another thankless, endless endeavor like folding clothes or cleaning. If it were a guilt-free enriching hour, see question 12. The idea of attending a wine course holds a lot of appeal as does working on 'me.'


Thank you again for not making me feel like a fool with no questions. The only thing I'd add is how fun and funny it is to relate your stories to other people and phrase it as, "my friend" did or said this...I've achieved what I wanted to in blogging; realizing that while I'm unique, there are a lot of us out there.

Does this template make my butt look smaller?

October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is over and although this is one of my most heartfelt causes, I really did hate the pink, so it (not my support) is gone. I'm thinkin' it's just about time to buy me one of those cool boutique mastheads for the holidays. In the meantime, I'll be trying out different templates for a little wardrobe update. I'm getting tired of buying off the Blogger rack. Mommy Blog Couture. What an oxymoron.

There are two ways to ask the question in my subject line:

1. Does this make my ass look big? - Indicating denial that you do in fact, have a big ass and are making sure that the clearly inferior article of clothing you've placed over it does not inadvertently advertise that you've got some junk in the trunk.

2. Does this make my butt look smaller? - Baby got back - and knows it. You can see the difference. This statement indicates more magical thinking and less denial. Like there's some amazing bit of seamstress artistry (most likely involving smoke and mirrors) that suddenly makes one's size 10 jeans look like the size 6's she keeps in the way back of the drawer because "some day...".

Anyway, feel free to answer the question. And don't you think the darker color is more slimming?