The June Cleaver Response

We've all been on the phone with someone and either you or they say "well, I'd better let you go now" when in reality, it's the person saying it who actually wants to get off the phone.  The little trigger in our heads that makes us say that is "The Politeness Filter".  Scientists have recently discovered a correlating filter that operates in the Mommy Brain.  For our purposes, we'll call it "The June Cleaver Response" or JCR.

Much in the same way the Politeness Filter helps us more easily move through society, the JCR helps us navigate the waters of parenthood in such a way that future therapy bills are kept to a minimum, also allowing us stay well below the radar of Child Protective Services.  Below are a few examples of the JCR in action:

Situation 1: Children milling around the room, underfoot, standing directly in front of exactly where you need to be.
Unfiltered Brain: Get the hell out of the kitchen!!
JCR: Why don't you guys play in the other room?

Situation 2: Child tattling on sibling.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care!  Just make it stop!
JCR:  Why don't you guys try to work it out yourselves?

Situation 3: Child prattling on unceasingly until you want to stick needles in your eyes.
Unfiltered Brain: Shut up! Shut the f&#k up!!!
JCR:  Sweetie, why don't you rest your voice for a little while?
Note: In the car this translates as: Let's play "who can be quietest the longest?"!

Situation 4: Anything involving food
Unfiltered Brain: For the millionth time, stop eating like a cow!
JCR: Honey, remember to chew with your mouth closed.

Situation 5: Child up for the 3rd/8th/11th time after being put back to bed.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care if you sleep or not.  Stay in that bed before I tie you to it!
JCR: Just lie in bed and think about all the fun things you'd like to do tomorrow...

Situations 6 through infinity: (fill in the blank)
Unfiltered Brain:  Are you insane? What were you thinking!?
JCR: Buddy, that wasn't a good choice.

Our research would be greatly enhanced by additional examples provided by the reader.


* Apparently the unfiltered brain is quite profane when left to its own devices.

** This post is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual persons, blogging or deceased is purely coincidental. 

Harsh

Scene:  MM and The Daddy preparing for bed.

Daddy:  Babe, I gotta tell you, in the realm of "harsh" tonight, you cracked me up.

MM: Smiles beatifically. 


The boys have always had their own rooms but given a choice, HRH would rather share space with his brother.  From Mom and Dad's standpoint, HRH camping in Gremlin's room increases the chances of a full night's sleep for everyone.  IT's called a win-win - except the obvious fooling around, blanket disruption, tossing of stuffed animals, and moving of beds (really?) that accompanies shared sleeping space.  So in and out the parents go; cajoling, threatening, ultimately separating. The problem is that Grem actually prefers to sleep by himself so as the instigator, he's got nothing to lose and I've lost hand.

Last night, post-bath, as the boys were engaged in their pre-bedtime ritual of coercion and bribery attempts for co-sleeping, HRH bumped into his bedside lamp, sending it crashing to the floor and breaking the bulb.  I react like a medic on the battlefield.  Clearing the barefoot boys from the scene and going down on hands and knees with a dustpan and brush, then the Dustbuster. Cleaner than it was before 'the incident'.

I then tell the boys that because of the danger of glass, I think that HRH should definitely sleep in Gremlin's room tonight.  This was of course, not the concern. The shake-down had gone on for nearly half an hour and I was simply tired of hearing it.  We tuck in and do God Blesses. 

And I leave them with this warning;  "If there is any fooling around,  the person that started it will be sleeping in HRH's room.  With the glass."

Not a word.  Not a sound.  Straight to sleep.

Apropos of Nothing

Daddy: Boys, do you want something to drink?

HRH: Orange juice, with ice, no water, no mix.

MM: HRH, you'll make yourself a fine Starbucks patron some day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the backseat:

Gremlin: This is why the Grinch stole Christmas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andy: Are you planning on bringing your laptop to Disney?

MM: I was considering it. What do you think?

Andy: Well, you tend not to care about people when you're with the laptop.

MM: No, you've got it all wrong. I care about lots of people when I'm on the laptop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And with that, I bid you all a fond adieu until next week.

As We Conclude The Week of the Gremlin...

...I give you this:

Scene: Last Friday, headed down to Cape Cod for the day. The entire Manic family is in the truck. We've already played I-Spy, sung songs, found books, eaten snacks, and begged for naps to make the time pass more quickly. Appropos of nothing:

Gremlin: Aww Fuck it!

Daddy (sounding firm but casual so as not to encourage future recitations): Gremlin, that's not a word we use. It's a grown-up word and it's very fresh.

Gremlin: Okay, Daddy. I won't say Aww. Fuck it, anymore.

Excellent.

Manic Mommy Goes to Step Aerobics...

Damn it. Five minutes late. Maybe I'll just do the machines. Nah. Just go in.

Oh great. Only space left located behind the column. Just as well, I don't like to cause a fuss. Heh.

Out of step and out of breath. Already.

OMG. If the instructor's ass jiggles, what must I look like?

What was I thinking trying to do football drills after birthing two babies?

Back from Ladies Room. Much better.

It's 9:20. Maybe I'll leave at 9:30.

Shit. I've already finished my water.

Jeez. Someone in here really smells bad.

OMG. I hope it's not me.

Probably not me.

I'm hungry. Wish I'd eaten something.

Nah. I would have thrown it up by now.

Why does the instructor keep coming over by me?

Wrong foot (again).

Maybe that's why.

Oh, I remember this from when I used to take Step back in the 90s...in my 20s.

That woman in the back is taking her pulse. Is she having a heart attack?

God, all I need is the white man's overbite and I'll look like Billy Crystal at a wedding.

I was dancing at the wedding Saturday night. Does that count as exercise?

Nah. Probably just offsets the food and drinking.

Those stuffed mushrooms were delicious.

Heh. The girl with the tattoos is finally out of step.

Wow. Marilyn's only lifting one weight at a time. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought.

Damn. She's got the eight pounders.

Oh! Abba! Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeen.

My lungs are burning.

Maybe I'll stay for my regular yoga class after this.

Need to take a little rest or I'm gonna die.

Probably not staying for yoga.

I feel so bad for Jen having to be behind me.

I wonder if I'll get better if I come every week.

Thank God. It's 9:50. We're almost done.

I'm gonna make it.

What? We're doing crunches now?

Crunches? Dude.

I...am...so...DONE...

Because I'm the Mommy (and the new classics)

- Apologize to your brother.
- C'mon, I'll take you back to your bed.
- Did you do poops?
- Did you flush?
- Did you look under the couch?
- Did you wash your hands?
- Dinner!
- Do you have to go poops?
- Doggies bite, not boys. Are you a doggie?
- Don't touch that. It has germs on it.
- Drink your milk.
- Eat that in the kitchen.
- Fine, we just won't go to ________.
- Get down from there!
- Get. back. in. bed.
- God puts the baby in mommy's belly.
- I am not the maid.
- I love you up to the sky
- If we have good behavior, we can talk about a prize.
- If you do that one more time...
- Inside voice! (better when you scream it!)
- It's chicken. You love chicken.
- It's not morning yet.
- No, it's too early for a Popsicle.
- No, not today.
- No, time out is not over yet.
- No. You can't wear that to school.
- Please put that in the trash.
- Put the cushions back on the couch.
- Seatbelts on.
- Stay where you can see me. What if a stranger took you?
- Stop doing that to the cat.
- Stop doing that to the dog.
- This is not a restaurant.
- Three more bites and then you can be done.
- Time to get in the tub.
- Time to get out of the tub.
- Try and do peeps before we go.
- Turn the TV down.
- We'll see.
- We're going to get ants.
- What did I just say?
- Where are your shoes?
- Where did you leave it?
- Why would you think it was okay to do that?
- Your shirt is inside out.
- You're old enough to dress yourself.
- Yes.



What are your classics?

1 Year Blogoversary - 100 Things

I started reading blogs around April or May of 2007, when my friend and neighbor send me a link. By June, I was hooked. By July, HRH fell and split his head open - and my first post was born. I started my blog right around the time of BlogHer 07. It seemed fitting.

This week, I am again home while bloggers from across the nation converge to discuss, learn, and drink. But it was different. This year, I would have had friends to hang out with. I may have even had a roommate. And each day, each month, I find more friends and more in common with women I may never meet but whom I feel I know well only through their words and my own.

In honor of my first Blogoversary, I give to you, My 100 Things:

1. I had my tonsils out when I was 4. When I was in my late 20s, I went to an ENT specialist following a series of strep throat infections and learned that they had grown back.

2. This same thing happened to my mother-in-law

3. I can touch my nose with my tongue

4. When I was eight years old, I knocked boiling water onto my left ankle while we were camping. I can still remember my mother and uncle grabbing me and peeling off my sneaker and sock, and watching my skin peel off with it.

5. When I was 20 and all my friends had already turned 21, I had a fake ID that I used.

6. My name was Maria Siasios and the license listed me as 5’ 2”. I’m 5’7”

7. One night at The Boston Beach Club, a guy I was flirting with talking to saw it and told me he was with the ABC (Alcoholic Beverage Commission). My friend, Jen grabbed me and we hauled ass out of the club.

8. Years later, I was telling this story and my brother-in-law told me this was a ploy he used to use.

9. I’m going to be co-maid of honor in my younger sister’s wedding next spring.

10. My older sister is the other maid.

11. We are both married but refuse to use the term “matron”

12. I have been in eight weddings.

13. We were also co-maids-of-honor at my cousin’s wedding, nearly 9 years ago.

14. This same cousin and I were engaged at the same time, got married within six months of each other and have been pregnant with each of our respective two children at the same time.

15. She’s pregnant again and due in January.

16. She’s flying solo this time.

17. Despite my earlier yearnings, I think we’re gonna sit tight with the two we’ve already got.

18. My driver’s license expires on 09/09/09.

19. The same thing happened a few (uh, like 10) years ago, when it expired on 9/9/99.

20. On a work boondoggle trip to Vegas, I learned how to play craps and kept winning on number 9.

21. That was my third trip to Vegas for work and the first time I actually enjoyed being there.

22. Andy and I went to Vegas three months after 9/11 and stayed two nights at the New York New York, with non-stop round trip tickets from Boston for $550.00 total for the both of us.

23. I have a restraining order against an old boyfriend whom I found in my bedroom closet five years after we broke up.

24. Andy and I were introduced by JD Power’s daughter.

25. She’s married to Andy’s cousin and I used to work with her.

26. Two years ago, we had JD and his wife over for Thanksgiving dinner.

27. I pushed Andy away for more than a year, insisting we were “just friends” because of my steamer trunk baggage.

28. He didn’t give up on me, thank God.

29. Both of my boys were born with their umbilical cord wrapped around their neck.

30. HRH was born a month to the day early at 5 lbs 9 oz.

31. RC was born via emergency c-section at 6 lbs 14 oz.

32. I much preferred the Cesarean to pushing a baby out of my vagina.

33. I love Mexican food.

34. I could eat nothing but guacamole and chips quite happily for the rest of my life.

35. I was eating and later threw up guacamole the night I went into labor with HRH.

36. I like California Mexican better than Tex-Mex.

37. I visited San Antonio on business quite a few times a few years ago.

38. People in San Antonio really do wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats – and drive pickups.

39. The Alamo is really, really boring. And small. The Riverwalk is quite cool.

40. I have a theme song. It’s Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.

41. Jimmy Buffett does a nice cover of it and when we’re at the concert, I pretend he’s singing it just to me.

42. This will be my 11th year seeing Jimmy Buffett in concert.

43. I’m claustrophobic but not debilitatingly so. More like, if given a choice, I’ll take the stairs.

44. I’m not ticklish.

45. Change is really hard for me. Even if I’m going out to do something I really want to do, part of me is thinking “maybe we can just stay home and watch TV.”

46. I have a head for trivia and useless knowledge.

47. My sister recently called me for that word that describes words that are spelled the same backwards and forwards, like racecar.

48. That word is palindrome.

49. I love board games. Trivial Pursuit in particular. Go figure.

50. The problem is that I judge people’s intelligence based on their game-playing prowess.

51. I also do this with misspelled/mispronounced/misused words.

52. This is why I find texting language so difficult.

53. Kevin Bacon is A Number 1 on my List.

54. You know, the free pass your spouse gives you to sleep with one (usually famous) person should you ever find yourself presented with the opportunity.

55. KB has been on the top of my list since I saw him in Footloose when I was 15.

56. George Clooney currently resides in second place.

57. Ocean’s 11 is on right now and I hate Julia Robert’s gold lame dress.

58. I also think she walks with the grace of an elephant, although she’s supposed to play elegant.

59. I think Michelle Pfeiffer is luminous. George described her as such in One Fine Day.

60. Andy and I both love The Mummy with Brenden Fraser and Rachel Weisz.

61. Rachel Weisz is probably currently Andy’s A Number 1.

62. I was baptized Catholic and spent 12 years in Catholic school.

63. We baptized both our boys Catholic.

64. I went to church religiously weekly until after we were married.

65. Clearly Andy’s converted me to The Dark Side

66. I used to be a lector at my church.

67. These days, I am an ala carte Catholic

68. There’s too much I don’t agree with.

69. I wanted to convert to Episcopal but Andy believes “you gotta dance with the one that brung ya.”

70. I absolutely believe in God.

71. There’s too much out there that had to be created by a higher power.

72. I also believe that there is a universality that exists, linking all of us together and affecting the outcome.

73. I think that people who say they are spiritual but not religious haven’t figured out what they’re looking for.

74. We’re sending HRH to Catholic school in the fall.

75. We’ll have to start attending church again.

76. You know, so we’re not hypocritical.

77. I’ve been cramming with him to learn The Sign of the Cross, Hail Mary and Our Father.

78. We have been doing ‘God Blesses’ with the boys since they were infants.

79. We talk about God and Heaven and they know who The Big Man is.

80. We’re sending him to Catholic school less because we want him to receive a Catholic-centric education as because we don’t like the alternatives available to us in our current public school system.

81. Generally, I feel that good public schools offer more alternatives than parochial schools.

82. Education is a top priority in Andy’s family.

83. He and his four siblings all went to top private schools.

84. I’ve completed four years of college but don’t have a degree.

85. That is really, really hard for me to admit.

86. I had this stupid idea you were supposed to know what you wanted to be when you grew up in order to complete college.

87. My dad was a blue collar hero whose favorite expression was ‘fucking yuppies.’

88. As a result, I didn’t get a lot of support from him on the college front.

89. Especially when I was initially an undeclared major.

90. Working without a degree and doing pretty well taught me that you don’t have to love what you do to be good at it.

91. One of my biggest regrets is not going away to college. I partially blame a tiny Catholic school and a really shitty guidance counselor for that.

92. Not having a degree is my biggest insecurity.

93. I’m very smart but don’t have the piece of paper to back it up.

94. I have finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up; interior design.

95. I get to go to school when RC starts full-time kindergarten. Two years and counting.

96. I think if I were to pursue a career without first finishing my degree, it would be Real Estate.

97. Part of the reason I will get my degree is so I can never be an excuse for my kids.

98. I used to think I was a very good writer before I started reading blogs.

99. I still think I’m a good writer.

100. I know I am a survivor.

Manic Mommy's Greatest Misses

I have nothing to say. Truly. I've got stuff going on in my life but nothing that would either grab or hold your interest or make you smile, let alone laugh.

Sometimes, when I have an idea for a post, I'll start writing it with the idea of getting back to it at a later time. See? Just then? I made myself laugh. Get back to it! Hah! I'll also take pictures that may or may not make into a post.

Behold, the detritus of my mind and hard drive:

1. Most of a How To post concerning securing an uncooperative two-year-old into a car seat. I can only assume it's unfinished because I have yet to master this skill in a reasonable amount of time.

2. An ode to my next car.

3. My friend, Joe's startling resemblence to Kevin Youklis:





























4. A post on what Halloween costumes say about you and/or your child. Costumes actually found online included:
- Robert E. Lee
- Temper Tantrum
- Doodlebops
- 'Big Daddy' pimp-type costume (with my own caption of Low Expectations)


5. The importance of preparedness when spending 10 hours tailgating outside a Jimmy Buffett concert.

6. Toy Time Out. A (now missing) picture of the top of my cabinet, where toys end up when they are used as weapons. A waystation to the trash.(This one is way lame but I needed to make 10 - and yes, there were even lamer ones.)

7. A Christmas Song review featuring scores for Christmasy-ness on the "Claus-o-meter." Example: Merry Christmas Darling by Karen Carpenter rated an 8.

8. Apparently, I was making soup.














9. A lament of RC's continued pattern of destructive and reckless behavior (why do I think I'll still be writing about this 10 years from now?)

10. A list of top 10 high school/teen years songs. Heavy emphasis on Duran Duran, Adam Ant, and Journey.

To Infinity...and Beyond!

"The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results."

HRH: Mommmmm! RC is repeating me!

RC: Mommmmm! RC is repeating me!

Manic Mommy: He's doing it to get a reaction. If you stop reacting, he'll stop doing it.

HRH: RC stop repeating what I say.

RC: Stop repeating what I say.

HRH: MMMMMommmmmmyyyyyyyy!

RC: MMMMMommmmmmyyyyyyyy!

MM: He's doing it to get a reaction. If you stop reacting, he'll stop doing it.

HRH: Aaaarrrr Seeeeeee!!!! Stop repeating what I say!

RC: Stop repeating what I say!

HRH: MMMMMommmmmmyyyyyyyy!

RC: MMMMMommmmmmyyyyyyyy!

MM: He's doing it to get a reaction! If you stop reacting, he'll stop doing it!

Game Called on Account Of...

So we've been looking to sign HRH up for tee-ball this spring and I finally got a lead on a website for our town. Unfortunately, their sign-ups had already taken place but the site listed the name and number of "Fred", who runs our town's little league. I called on Saturday and left a message.

We received a phone call yesterday afternoon and I recognized the name on caller ID. It wasn't Fred but his WIDOW, returning the call. She was audibly attempting to collect herself, stating in a tremulous voice that Freddy had just passed away a few weeks ago but she would be happy to give me another name and number. I of course apologized profusely for her loss and for bothering her. She was extremely gracious and agreed I could not have known. Nonetheless, my size 7 1/2's sure did taste great.

So today, I called the "new guy" and mentioned that they'd probably want to make sure to update the site immediately. His response? Uh, yeah, there's a lot of stuff we need to update on the site.

Dude, you wanna make this one a priority? Not for me (or any other unsuspecting parent not in the mood to feel like a total ass) but for poor Mrs. Freddy.

Ugh.

And it goes something like this...

Scene: Friday, "Pizza Night" at our little Cabina Contenta.

Boys are busy in the living room with their little kid sized chairs pulled up to the distressed coffee table, eating pizza and drinking milk, and watching [Noggin] quality, educational programming.

Daddy has come home from work. He and Manic Mommy are sitting in the kitchen eating their own pizza having actual adult/how-was-your-day-dear-?-type conversation, ignoring the rapidly escalting lawlessness taking place two rooms away. The chaos spills into the kitchen, where MM notices that RC's shirt is splattered with liquid as if he had run through the sprinklers on a summer day.

MM: RC, what's on your shirt?

RC: Milk.

HRH (needing to be in the middle of it): We were playing 'spray' with our Diego cups and I won!

MM gives Daddy the 'you're fresh, you deal with this one' look.

Daddy: HRH, you know that's not how big boys behave. (More 'bad idea'-type words that, honesty, MM just can't remember.) Please go up to your room for a few minutes and think about that.

RC follows HRH to time out. Adult conversation continues for a few minutes until the children are summoned back downstairs.

Daddy: HRH, I want to talk to you about what you did and why it's wrong. Look at me. Look at me! Stop dancing. Don't touch that. Stand up. Grasps him by shoulders in fruitless bid for eye contact, shortens speech considerably, ending with: And I think you owe me an apology for not listening while I was talking.

HRH: Okay, Daddy. Sorry, RC.

RC: You're welcome.

Exit, stage left.

Things I Never Thought I'd Say - Part III

Scene: This morning, five minutes late dropping HRH off at Pre-K

MM to HRH's teacher: Mrs. Stoffel, RC stuck his finger up HRH's nose this morning and it bled a little. I think it's all set now but I wanted you to know just in case.

Mrs. Stoffel: It must be so much fun to have two boys.

MM shakes head and chases RC down hallway.

The Ongoing List of Bizarre Things We Say

Overheard this week at our little Cabina Contenta:

~ Sweetie, you can't do peeps with a sock on your hands. - MM to HRH

~ Did you just kiss that pancake? - Andy to RC

~ Ugh. Don't lick that off the floor! - MM and Andy to RC

~ I don't want you to ever play "orange juice" again. - MM to RC and HRH

Things I Never Thought I'd Say - Part II

The Scene:
RC enters kitchen, opens silverware drawer, grabs a handful, and tosses them down the basement stairs.

HRH happens to be walking up the basement stairs.

MM: RC! Don't throw all the forks at your brother.

HRH: (completely and surprisingly unfazed). They were spoons.

Oh, well then.