Sunday, December 28, 2008

Holy Dustbunnies!

My boys have finally reached that magic age; they're trustworthy enough to come downstairs ALONE in the morning, eat peanut butter out of the jar, and watch cartoons, while Mommy and Daddy get a few more hours minutes of very light sleep with one ear open. Cue the choir of angels, and yet...

Last Sunday, Andy and I are enjoying a few more minutes' sleep when the boys appear on my side of the bed (aside: my side of the bed is farther from the door than Andy's. They never start on Andy's side of the bed.) to inform me that they were going down to the playroom and noticed a 'fuzzy thing' at the bottom of the basement stairs. I slip out of my coma long enough to tell them, oh, honey, that's called a dust bunny, don't worry about it, I'll vacuum it later.

HRH is not convinced but RC pipes up with the very clever idea to sweep it up with the dustpan and brush. RC just loves him some dustpan and brushing. And they exit to tidy up the fuzzy thing.

Fast forward about thirty minutes. I open the lid on our kitchen trash to drop a tea bag in. And staring back at me from the top of the trash is a fuzzy thing - also known as a bat with no wings. Aghhhhhhhhh!

I call Andy over. He calls HRH over. My questioning goes something like this; Didyoutouchit? Didyoutouchit? Didyoutouchit?? You'renotintrouble. Did. you. touch. it!?" HRH's answer was no. RC was required to pantomime out exactly what he did when he swept it up. I'm reasonably certain they were telling the truth. Nonetheless, I Purelled their hands, twice, then washed them in antibacterial soap. I may have burned their pajamas.

Near as we can figure, the bat was looking for a warm place to stay. He somehow got into the house, was met by our bloodthirsty cat, and met his demise. The Bink left the de-winged carcass as a 'present' for us. He's thoughtful like that.

For future reference, Poison Control states that rabies must be spread by injecting saliva through a bite. We then had the pleasure of triple-wrapping the remains and freezing them overnight. On Monday, I took the carcass to our vet, who had it tested by the state lab. I'm very happy (and pretty surprised) that the results were negative. No rabies here.

I haven't found the wings yet...

Friday, December 26, 2008

God Bless Us. Every One.

I wanted to give each of you a little something as a thank you for everything you've given me this year. Well, it didn't arrive in time for Christmas. We're all moms here, so I know you'll understand.

For my friends, the someday moms: May your eggs be viable and your uterus be hospitable. Or may you find another way.

For my friends, the gestating moms: May the first and last trimesters go by with ease. May you take the sleep when you can get it. May you savor the miracle.

For my friends, the laboring moms: May your OB be on duty when you go into labor and free with the drugs. May your baby's head be small. May your partner know his place is to shut up and shovel ice chips.

For my friends, the brand new moms: May your baby latch on like a champ and sleep in long stretches. May you shower most days. May your husband have a great paternity leave policy.

For my friends, the mothers of newborns: May your child find a schedule. May he take a bottle, when necessary. May you be there for her first smile.

For my friends, the mothers of infants: May your child sleep through the night. May she be allergy-free. May he be an "easy baby".

For my friends, the mothers of toddlers: May your child not figure out how to open the child proof locks. May she not share food with the dog, then put it back in her mouth. May he not hit the terrible twos before his first birthday.

For my friends, the mothers of preschoolers: May potty training last days, not months. May she not suffer from separation anxiety on the first day of preschool. May he always like you better than his teacher.

For my friends, the mothers of kindergarteners: May your child adjust beautifully to big kid school. May the teacher recogize the uniqueness and individual gifts of your child.

For my friends, the mothers of elementary schoolers: May your child neither bully nor be bullied. May she love learning in all its forms.

For my friends, the mothers of tweens: May your child find his own moral compass. May friends, music, and movies not steal the precious years of childhood innocence.

For my friends, the mothers of high schoolers: May your children's deeds make you proud. May you be their mother first and their friend, second.

For my friends, the mothers of college students: May your children remember your lessons as they take their first fledgling steps to independence. May they make good decisions and know their own minds.

For my friends, the mothers of adults: May your children grow to be intelligent, loving, kind, good, hardworking, humorous parents. And may they take good care of us as we grow old.

For all of us: Though the days are long, the years are short. May we treasure the good ones and run down the clock on the bad ones with humor and love and friendship.

It was either this or a fruitcake.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Magic of Christmas

It starts off very subtly. A brief comment, "I think I heard bells" then back to the conversation. A little while later, "did you see something fly past the window?" then back to the conversation.

Finally, after dinner, someone near the fireplace exclaims, "I think I heard something land on the roof!" Adults look expectantly at one another, "do you think?" The children can sense the magic at hand. An aunt or uncle, mommy or daddy stoops in front of the fireplace and yells up the chimney, "Santa? Is that you?" And finally, from the chimney you hear "Ho Ho Ho!"

The boys and girls are gathered around the fireplace, some nervous, some wide-eyed, all excited. One by one, each child is introduced and gets his turn to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas. Sometimes, an older brother or sister is pressed into duty for an unwilling, younger sibling.

Finally, after everyone's had their turn, Santa climbs back into his sleigh and flies off into the night. But not before leaving gifts for these good little children. Each adult in the room takes hold of the nearest child and runs to the door and out into the cold. Staring into the sky in search of a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer.

It's a tradition that's been going on in Andy's family for more than a generation. It's my family's tradition. Someday, I will watch my grandchildren crouch by the fireplace while magic happens.

Friday, December 19, 2008

What to Really Expect

For my friend, Jennifer, who is expecting her first child. These are the things that they can't tell you in books. I give you HRH's six-year check up.

The initial aspects of the physical are going pretty well; height - check, weight - check, eyes/ears/nose/mouth -check. The pediatrician has HRH stand up, touch his nose, touch his toes, pull down his pants - wha? What was that last thing?? HRH is awash in shyness and confusion while I'm doing the "Doctors, Mommy and Daddy" privacy song and dance.

Eventually, HRH mans up and pulls down his boxers. The doctor gets enough of a glance to note that everything is where it should be. Aaaand now it's time for three immunizations, a blood test and a urine test.

We got him on the first shot with the sneak attack. For the second and third, I'm half-lying across the exam table with his legs in a scissor hold between mine, while pinning his hands against my body, exposing one bicep as he screaches in my left ear.

Next, we're off to the lab for blood work. HRH is still hyperventilating when he realizes we're not headed to the car and starts running. I catch up, grab him, and drag him into the lab. More pinning, more screaming ensues but eventually 0.001 cc of blood is drawn from his index finger. The tech then hands me a sample cup. Like I could ever coerce him into peeing into it. I give her the 'you gotta be kidding me' look and she agrees that perhaps I can take it with us and get a sample later. Better plan.

By the time I'm carrying my 45 pound 'baby' out of the building, he is literally speaking in tongues. I don't know what he was saying but it was not English. The only thing to comfort and quiet him? A special occasion (Strawberries and Cream Frapuccino) drink from Starbucks. That's my boy.

Motherhood: A full-contact sport.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Do's and Don't's When Attempting to Adhere To a Strict Diet

  1. Get off the mall elevator in front of the Lindt Chocolate store - Don't
  2. Make your boys extra chocolatey hot chocolate with mini marshmallows - Don't
  3. Serve only food you don't really anyway for dinner for your family - Do
  4. Get the boy McDonalds on your way home to eat a delicious NutriSystem lunch - Don't
  5. Purchase seasonal candles in any of the following fragrances: Egg Nog, Christmas Cookies, Cinnamon and Sugar - Don't
    + Alternate suggestions would be Balsam, Cedar, Tripe, and Morning Breath
  6. Eat your afternoon snack allotment of 15 grapes (it's a full serving why are you still hungry damn it!) near your grape-loving boy - Don't
  7. Consider at least twice daily infusions of English Breakfast Tea (and the glorious caffeine contained within) to be necessary for the well-being of your family - DO
  8. Re-route all travel to avoid all known Starbucks locations - most especially the drive thru - Do
  9. Recognize that 64 ounces of water is about 59 ounces more than you typically drink in a given day - Do
  10. Calculate the nearest restroom in any given destination immediately upon entering - Do
  11. Convince yourself that eating frozen pancakes, dinosaur chicken, and spaghetti with butter and salt for a month straight will not stunt your children's growth - Do
    + (Bonus: Dinner Hero status from aforementioned children).
  12. Notice the aroma of sweetness coming from the discarded M&Ms on the floor of the backseat - Don't
  13. Remind yourself you need to fit into your summer clothes in less than two months - Do
  14. Try on said summer clothes to put an exclamation point on your good intentions - DON'T
    + It's just too depressing.
  15. Start a strict diet ten days before Christmas - Don't

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Kind that Will Even Say, "How Do You Do?"

We're sitting down having a nice family evening; the fireplace is crackling and the four of us are snuggled up on the couch in our 'jamas, watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

We get to the part where Rudolph, Herbie, and Yukon Cornelius land on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Andy: Why is the doll a 'misfit' again?

MM: No one has ever known. It's one of life's great mysteries.

HRH: Maybe she's just really boring to play with...

My son; pondering the impoderable.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - The Dirty Little Snowman Edition

He's been around ever since I can remember. He's survived a basement flood, broken hangers, poor packing, and years of loving abuse.

I kidnapped my dirty little snowman from my Mom's when I moved into my own place. He's the first ornament to adorn the tree each year. The boys know he's special and why.

He's part of my Christmas magic.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Privacy Please

We've been having the occasional conversation about privacy and its importance; in the bathroom, while changing, not touching, who can and can't touch private parts, etc. The usual careful parents stuff.

This morning on Nick Jr., Max and Ruby were having a debate about a private clubhouse Ruby had started with her friend, Louise.

HRH, imparting the following wisdom to RC: Private means something that no one else can have or touch.

MM: HRH, excellent explanation to your little brother!

HRH: Yeah, Mom. Private. Like your breasts.

Message received.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

An Ode to Starbucks

God bless my barista
Man that I love
Stand in line here
Get mine here

Day or night
Venti's right
Chai I love

From the drive thru
To the Target
Back to Starbucks
Light, no foam

God bless my barista
Live in
My home

Monday, December 1, 2008

Piccup Andropov

"...what ever will you do with yourself once both boys are in school?"

7:00 - Wake up to 3 year old face 1/4 inch from face

7:30 - Dressing, breakfast, lunches

8:00 - Shower, dress, corral boys

8:30 - Leave for school

9:00 - Peel suddenly shy boy off self and leave for dentist

9:30 - Dentist

10:40 - Dry Cleaners

10:50 -Starbucks

11:00 - Stop and Shop

12:20 - Put away groceries

1:00 - Pick up RC

1:00 - Playground

2:15 - Post office, Library, Starbucks (yes, twice in one day)

3:00 - Pick up HRH

3:00 - 4:00 - Playground (yes, twice in one day)

4:05 - Stupidly come home for no apparent reason

4:20 - Leave to pick up niece at basketball

5:00 - Home. Blog. Wine.

5:15 - Make dinner

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