Friday, December 19, 2008

What to Really Expect

For my friend, Jennifer, who is expecting her first child. These are the things that they can't tell you in books. I give you HRH's six-year check up.

The initial aspects of the physical are going pretty well; height - check, weight - check, eyes/ears/nose/mouth -check. The pediatrician has HRH stand up, touch his nose, touch his toes, pull down his pants - wha? What was that last thing?? HRH is awash in shyness and confusion while I'm doing the "Doctors, Mommy and Daddy" privacy song and dance.

Eventually, HRH mans up and pulls down his boxers. The doctor gets enough of a glance to note that everything is where it should be. Aaaand now it's time for three immunizations, a blood test and a urine test.

We got him on the first shot with the sneak attack. For the second and third, I'm half-lying across the exam table with his legs in a scissor hold between mine, while pinning his hands against my body, exposing one bicep as he screaches in my left ear.

Next, we're off to the lab for blood work. HRH is still hyperventilating when he realizes we're not headed to the car and starts running. I catch up, grab him, and drag him into the lab. More pinning, more screaming ensues but eventually 0.001 cc of blood is drawn from his index finger. The tech then hands me a sample cup. Like I could ever coerce him into peeing into it. I give her the 'you gotta be kidding me' look and she agrees that perhaps I can take it with us and get a sample later. Better plan.

By the time I'm carrying my 45 pound 'baby' out of the building, he is literally speaking in tongues. I don't know what he was saying but it was not English. The only thing to comfort and quiet him? A special occasion (Strawberries and Cream Frapuccino) drink from Starbucks. That's my boy.

Motherhood: A full-contact sport.


Stimey said...

There should be a "What to Expect" book for this stuff. At least you can still out-brute him. Imagine 50 pounds from now!

Many sympathies for the appointment. I've definitely had similar.

JCK said...

Poor little guy. I see you are hooking him on your favorite beverage stop as well?

anymommy said...

I feel his pain. I need SB to recover from doctor's visits and blood tests too. Rough day for mom.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I think you're on to a great book idea. So many possiblities for chapters: the doctor, the dentist, the school bus, the parent/teacher conferences, the aversion to clothing... The list is endless.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Here we do all this at the 5 year checkup.

Being an honesty is the best policy person I've always fully informed my kids about what to expect--and then piled on the rewards for cooperation.

Anonymous said...

I feel ya sister. We did the 5 YO check with Boo this week. You think that getting a boy to pee in a cup is fun? Try doing it with a girl. It was like a bad duck-shooting carnival game. I was lucky to be able to hand off a tablespoon!

~Swankymama said...

Hey, are you available to help with Gracie's check up? It's sounds like you got it down pat!!

Eudea-Mamia said...

Pee in a cup? I'm not sure if I should be grateful or worried that my 6-year-old didn't have to do that at his annual.

What in the world are they checking for?!

Jennifer H said...

My kids have both managed to pull away at the moment the needle went in. You wanna hear nurses get all judgey?

Tough day. Starbucks helps many things.

Jane Doe said...

Oh, I remember those days! Though, they weren't that long ago. When my youngest was 10 (she's 13 now) and heard those dreaded words "flu shot" she hid behind a chair and it took me and three nurses to drag her out from behind it and hold her down.


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