When Sally Met Forty

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally Albright: I don't see that.

Andy drives a 2004 Saab 93. He picked it up, brand-spanking-new, the day Gremlin was born. After Gremlin was born (we'll talk later). It's already got over 100,000 miles on it thanks to his 110-mile-a-day commute. It's never been in an accident but it's had the windshield replaced, the little Saab medallions on the hood and trunk have lost their color, we need to get yet another set of tires, and it seems to go through headlights at at unusually high rate. Now it's got some issue with the front struts, which is going to be pricey. It still looks pretty good and it drives like the wind.

The thing is? In these past (14) few months, somewhere between turning 40 and now? Much like the Saab, I've become high maintenance. I was taking an assessment the other day;

• I still need to lose those last (20) 10 pounds.
• I was trying to decide whether I was in more dire need of a hair cut or color. The answer was both.
• My eyebrows were about to connect with my eyelashes.
• Doing my makeup used to entail a little eyeliner and mascara. It now involves both concealer as well as foundation before we even get to the actual "make up" portion.
• I won't delve too deep into specifics but lets just say there's tweezing and plucking over which I must keep strict vigilance.
• Shorts Capri season is over so leg-shaving is definitely taking a back seat. Sexxay.
• My nails are snapping off at an alarming rate due to my obsessive compulsive hand washing.

From my heels to my hair, I can't think of an area of my body that doesn't require some kind of ongoing upkeep. I watch my husband get ready in the morning. Shower, shave, dress, leave.

Is it time to trade in for a newer model? Nah. Do I still clean up pretty good? Sure. But damn. All this maintenance is time-consuming and costly. Just like driving the Saab.

How are you holding up?

Every Day I Write the Book

1. The shrew on the AT&T Wireless commercial with the roll-over minutes fetish. Do they think this will make me say "Gee, I wanna be like her. Think I'll dump Verizon." or worse, that all moms are like this? Either way, you piss me off. You're on the list

2. The pretentious bitch on the Glade commercial. I see that now they're trying to make more likable. And a recurring character. Ad Agency Fail.

3. The fact that I now have to sign in prior to taking my yoga class. Apparently, my gym is now offering a cheaper membership that does not include classes. Let me get this straight; I pay more so I'm inconvenienced. Brilliant marketing strategy. Fail.

4. Every Kenmore appliance that I own. We bought the house in need of all new appliances. We were house poor. Kenmore was cheap. We got what we paid for. Two more visits by the appliance repair guys and we will have paid more to fix our stove than we did to purchase it.

5. My town's decision *not* to do a 'clean sweep' of all the leaves due to budget restraints. And then? We we all rake up eleventy-gazzillion leaves? Make sure you don't actually do a yard waste collection on they day you were supposed to. Because the leaf bags in front of my house (a) look fab and (b) get really, really (really) heavy after a day of soaking rain.


Head over to my friend, Sue's for more ungratitude. What's pissing you off today?

'Nuff Said

Kind of a Drive-By but Had to Share

First grade work: Choose a word from the word list, use it in a sentence, and draw an accompanying picture.

The beret kills me. And "good art work"?

Wordless Wednesday - Girl, You Won't be a Woman Soon

Sentenced to two weeks in the Cone (of silence) for a radical hysterectomy she neither requested nor knew was coming.

Welcome to responsible pet ownership, baby girl.

Quick Takes Friday - Volume 2

1. I have recently taken note of what a complete ass I sound like when I take the dog out to pee:
"Daisy peeps outside, Good Girl?" (getting her to the back door)
"Daisy peeps" (reminding her of why we're here)
"Go peeps outside, Daisy" (reinforcement, chanted continuously while she sniffs the entire yard)
"Good Girl! Daisy did peeps outside!" (y'know)
"Daisy, poops outside?" (the bonus round)

Moron

2. Yesterday morning, Gremlin came into our bed to snuggle when Andy went to take a shower. In the process of "snuggling," he knocked over my half full (half full = optimist!) glass of water. It hit the side of the radiator on its way down, shattering the glass into a million pieces, and dumping the water directly into a power strip under my bed. That'll wake you up.

3. Even after nine years of marriage and three years as a SAHM, I still feel the need to point out my "accomplishments"; "Did you see I bought you new t-shirts? I scrubbed the whole bathroom today!"

4. I'm going to be a mystery guest at HRH's school in a few weeks with some other moms. We're going to make Christmas Ornaments "Holiday Decorations" with the kids. Events like this are the real reason I'm a SAHM. The toilet cleaning is just a fringe benefit. Oh, and don't tell HRH; it's a mystery...

5. I bought a Wii Fit with credit card points!! I've only had this credit card for like, 7 years and never redeemed a single point. Free money!

6. The rabbit died. No, really. The bunny at preschool has passed on. We were supposed to take her home this weekend. I have not yet broached the subject with the boys. HRH had a total breakdown when we discussed Daisy's upcoming surgery, resulting in a lengthy discussion of ovaries, ovarian and cervical cancer, and girl parts in general. I really can't handle any more right now.

7. November is NaBloPoMo. The idea of posting every single day gives me hives but I am trying to step it up a notch and post a little more frequently. Andy has been coming up with some very creative alternatives for NaBloPoMo other than National Blog Posting Month.

One Day with HRH

Scene 1: Target, near the toy aisle

Unknown child: Yuck. I don't like Star Wars!

HRH (frantically whipping his head around to spot the blasphemer): Oh, it's a girl.


Scene 2: Our house. MM in kitchen. HRH in basement watching Return of the Jedi, playing Marble Mania.

MM: Hey buddy, come on up. It's time to go get Gremlin at school.

HRH: Well, it was good while it lasted...


Scene 3: The car on the way home from fancy dinner out with Mom at Friendly's

HRH: Gremlin, I win! I just farted and we were playing 'whoever farts first wins'.

Gremlin: Whoever makes a fart noise first wins!

HRH and Gremlin (in unison): Pfffft