The Threshold

And as we celebrate the four month anniversary of Andy's last day of work, we reach another milestone: the exploration of job opportunities outside of Massachusetts.  Yes, folks; things really are that bad out there.  With this in mind, I'd ask you all to fill out the following survey:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nearest metropolitan area within reasonable commuting distance that offers a variety of Patent/Intellectual Property Attorney positions for people with 10 years of experience in the field is: _____________________

I would best describe my climate as:
__ Comparable to Boston
__ Arid (Desert southwest)
__ So humid you have to wring your clothes out after stepping from the house to the car (southeast)
__  My kids can play outside 350+ days a year (San Diego)

The cost of living in my region can best be described as:
a. Living like kings
b. Average
c. Comparable to Boston
d. We read by candlelight to save money

My nearest Starbucks is located ___ miles from my home.


My nearest Target is located ___ miles from my home.

The average cost for a 4br/2.5ba home in a good school district is: __________________.  (Anyone whose answer is over $650K need not apply; I'm from Boston.)

If I have to make an unscheduled trip to the store at 10:00 pm, I feel:
a.  Entirely safe, I love my neighborhood.
b. Safe Enough
c. I don't go if I don't have to
d. I make sure the Taser is fully charged

The thing I like best about my neighborhood is: _________________.

The thing I like best about my kids' school is: ___________________.

Bonus Question: If the Manic Family moved to our area, we promise to introduce you to many people, show you around town, have playdates with the boys, and drink wine with the Mommy.  (okay, so that really wasn't a question.)


Note to our families: This is just an exploratory.  We're not doing anything yet.  Don't panic.
Note to our readers:  No really, let me know what it's like where you are.

The June Cleaver Response

We've all been on the phone with someone and either you or they say "well, I'd better let you go now" when in reality, it's the person saying it who actually wants to get off the phone.  The little trigger in our heads that makes us say that is "The Politeness Filter".  Scientists have recently discovered a correlating filter that operates in the Mommy Brain.  For our purposes, we'll call it "The June Cleaver Response" or JCR.

Much in the same way the Politeness Filter helps us more easily move through society, the JCR helps us navigate the waters of parenthood in such a way that future therapy bills are kept to a minimum, also allowing us stay well below the radar of Child Protective Services.  Below are a few examples of the JCR in action:

Situation 1: Children milling around the room, underfoot, standing directly in front of exactly where you need to be.
Unfiltered Brain: Get the hell out of the kitchen!!
JCR: Why don't you guys play in the other room?

Situation 2: Child tattling on sibling.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care!  Just make it stop!
JCR:  Why don't you guys try to work it out yourselves?

Situation 3: Child prattling on unceasingly until you want to stick needles in your eyes.
Unfiltered Brain: Shut up! Shut the f&#k up!!!
JCR:  Sweetie, why don't you rest your voice for a little while?
Note: In the car this translates as: Let's play "who can be quietest the longest?"!

Situation 4: Anything involving food
Unfiltered Brain: For the millionth time, stop eating like a cow!
JCR: Honey, remember to chew with your mouth closed.

Situation 5: Child up for the 3rd/8th/11th time after being put back to bed.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care if you sleep or not.  Stay in that bed before I tie you to it!
JCR: Just lie in bed and think about all the fun things you'd like to do tomorrow...

Situations 6 through infinity: (fill in the blank)
Unfiltered Brain:  Are you insane? What were you thinking!?
JCR: Buddy, that wasn't a good choice.

Our research would be greatly enhanced by additional examples provided by the reader.


* Apparently the unfiltered brain is quite profane when left to its own devices.

** This post is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual persons, blogging or deceased is purely coincidental. 

File it under "For Future Reference"

For future reference:

- Poison Control cannot answer questions related to a 20-pound dog swallowing one Advil Liqui-Gel.

- Poison Control does provide the toll-free number to Animal Poison Control.

- That number is 1-888-426-4435.

- The consultation fee to speak with Animal Poison Control is $65.00 payable by credit card.

- If your 20-pound dog swallows one Advil Liqui-Gel, she may experience vomiting and diarrhea but probably won't die.

- The treatment for 20-pound dogs who swallow Advil is 0.5 mg Pepcid AC (Famotidine) once a day for 5-7 days.

- If your 20-pound dog who swallowed an Advil is micro-chipped through Home Again and you have full coverage, the $65.00 consultation fee is covered.

- Dogs who swallow Advil and run the risk of experiencing vomiting and diarrhea will be sleeping in the kitchen overnight.

Do's and Don't's When Attempting to Adhere To a Strict Diet

1. Get off the mall elevator in front of the Lindt Chocolate store - Don't
   
2. Make your boys extra chocolatey hot chocolate with mini marshmallows - Don't
   
3. Serve only food you don't really anyway for dinner for your family - Do
   
4. Get the boy McDonalds on your way home to eat a delicious NutriSystem lunch - Don't
   
5. Purchase seasonal candles in any of the following fragrances: Egg Nog, Christmas Cookies, Cinnamon and Sugar - Don't
   + Alternate suggestions would be Balsam, Cedar, Tripe, and Morning Breath
   
6. Eat your afternoon snack allotment of 15 grapes (it's a full serving why are you still hungry damn it!) near your grape-loving boy - Don't
   
7. Consider at least twice daily infusions of English Breakfast Tea (and the glorious caffeine contained within) to be necessary for the well-being of your family - DO
   
8. Re-route all travel to avoid all known Starbucks locations - most especially the drive thru - Do
   
9. Recognize that 64 ounces of water is about 59 ounces more than you typically drink in a given day - Do
   
10. Calculate the nearest restroom in any given destination immediately upon entering - Do
    
11. Convince yourself that eating frozen pancakes, dinosaur chicken, and spaghetti with butter and salt for a month straight will not stunt your children's growth - Do
    + (Bonus: Dinner Hero status from aforementioned children).
    
12. Notice the aroma of sweetness coming from the discarded M&Ms on the floor of the backseat - Don't
    
13. Remind yourself you need to fit into your summer clothes in less than two months - Do
    
14. Try on said summer clothes to put an exclamation point on your good intentions - DON'T
    + It's just too depressing.
    
15. Start a strict diet ten days before Christmas - Don't

What I Want For You

Dear Six Year Old Boy:

I want to gather up you everything you'll ever want and hand it to you on a silver plate. But because I love you, I won't.


I want you to be happy.

I want you to see the humor in people and events and yourself.

I want you to find pleasure in life's small moments. I want you to build sandcastles and create wonderful worlds and stories for them.

I want you to know that you are safe.

I want you to have adventures.

I want you to be carefree.

I want you to have the friendship and loyalty of your brother. No one will ever have your back in quite the same way he will.

I want you to make mistakes and I want you to learn from them.

I want you to be kind to yourself when you make those mistakes.

I want you to know what you want from your life and how to attain it.

I want you to have a back up plan.

I want you to find someone who will love you almost as much as I do. Someone who will laugh with you and at you. Someone who will hold your hand and be your partner and your friend.

I want you to remember not to take yourself too seriously.

I want you to remember where you come from and be proud of it.

I want you to be proud of yourself.

I want you to understand the importance of helping others.

I want you to love learning and continue the journey throughout your life.

I want you to know learning exists in places other than books and classrooms.

I want you to always, always know that we are your family and that we are here.

I want you to feel how very much you are loved by your mommy and daddy. No matter what.


Happy Birthday, my wonderful, special, brilliant, sensitive angel. Thank you for making me a mommy. I love you, up to the sky.

Always,

Mommy

Like The New Girl Always Says: "Ask the Internets"

I hate potty training. It's like Groundhog Day for mommies; discuss, cajole, bribe, clean, repeat. Dozens and dozens of times.

I had fooled myself early on. The boys often take baths together and of course, HRH always uses the potty prior to entering the tub. RC was always fascinated with the process and HRH was only too happy to show off his skills in the art of urination. I said to myself and Andy, "potty training with this one's is gonna be a piece of cake". Um yeah. Pride cometh before a fall - or in this case, summer. For a while, RC has clearly displayed all the signs of readiness and I've half-heartedly tried to introduce him to using the toilet. He is not interested. Let me repeat; he wants no part of it.

Last week, RC stepped it up a notch. In addition to removing his own diaper if it was wet, he's begun to take it off immediately after he poops as well, sometimes allowing the contents to drop onto the floor. Upon the first such incident last week, I was dealing with the diaper and the floor while he started running around trying to back into everything - and practically sitting on our poor dog, saying menacingly "I'm gonna get poops on you!"

So now we've got the sticker chart, I've purchased the Halloween sized bags of M&Ms as a bribe for sitting on the potty, I've told him kids with diapers can't go to preschool, and I've promised the kid a BIKE once he's done with diapers.

He's just plain not interested. If it weren't for the shitting in the house thing, I'd probably just blow it off for another month or two. But clearly this activity has upped the ante and it needs to be addressed. The problem is that like so many areas of RC's personality, I'm out of ideas. I don't want to make it a negative but clearly he can not relieve himself where ever he damn well pleases.

Help me Obi Wan; you're my only hope.

Signed -

Pouting About the Potty