Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The June Cleaver Response

We've all been on the phone with someone and either you or they say "well, I'd better let you go now" when in reality, it's the person saying it who actually wants to get off the phone.  The little trigger in our heads that makes us say that is "The Politeness Filter".  Scientists have recently discovered a correlating filter that operates in the Mommy Brain.  For our purposes, we'll call it "The June Cleaver Response" or JCR.

Much in the same way the Politeness Filter helps us more easily move through society, the JCR helps us navigate the waters of parenthood in such a way that future therapy bills are kept to a minimum, also allowing us stay well below the radar of Child Protective Services.  Below are a few examples of the JCR in action:

Situation 1: Children milling around the room, underfoot, standing directly in front of exactly where you need to be.
Unfiltered Brain: Get the hell out of the kitchen!!
JCR: Why don't you guys play in the other room?

Situation 2: Child tattling on sibling.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care!  Just make it stop!
JCR:  Why don't you guys try to work it out yourselves?

Situation 3: Child prattling on unceasingly until you want to stick needles in your eyes.
Unfiltered Brain: Shut up! Shut the f&#k up!!!
JCR:  Sweetie, why don't you rest your voice for a little while?
Note: In the car this translates as: Let's play "who can be quietest the longest?"!

Situation 4: Anything involving food
Unfiltered Brain: For the millionth time, stop eating like a cow!
JCR: Honey, remember to chew with your mouth closed.

Situation 5: Child up for the 3rd/8th/11th time after being put back to bed.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care if you sleep or not.  Stay in that bed before I tie you to it!
JCR: Just lie in bed and think about all the fun things you'd like to do tomorrow...

Situations 6 through infinity: (fill in the blank)
Unfiltered Brain:  Are you insane? What were you thinking!?
JCR: Buddy, that wasn't a good choice.

Our research would be greatly enhanced by additional examples provided by the reader.

* Apparently the unfiltered brain is quite profane when left to its own devices.

** This post is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual persons, blogging or deceased is purely coincidental. 


Kristine said...

Love situation #5...there have been many times when I would like to tie my child in her bed!!!

Ash said...

This is hilarious. I totally just lived situation #5!

No worries, I'll loosen the knots as soon as he's completely out.

I'm not completely heartless.

Mama Goose said...

#5: Duct tape works wonders... ; )

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Dog hair all over the floor.

UB: Do you not freaking notice that we're all about to become part of an enormous hairball?!

JCR: Do you think you could run the sweeper?

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Have you been reading my mind?

Except I usually forget the JCR by noon. Then it's unfiltered for the most part...

You made me laugh!

anymommy said...


Pyriksa said...

#5: Go do push-ups and sit-ups 'til you can't move anymore, kids!

lol, great post! I like the unfiltered brain so much better though~

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

So funny and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has an external June Cleaver and an internal Tony Soprano.

texasholly said...

ha! I love it. I also believe deeply in duct tape, but in almost all cases blogging about it is at least therapeutic for mom...

Kate Coveny Hood said...

So true. I have a lot of discussions with my daughter about keeping her skirt over her underwear (she refuses to wear pants). My JCR is that the boys cover their undewear with shorts and pants so they can sit however they like - but because she will only wear dresses, she has to keep her knees together when she sits. But what I'm really thinking is, "for god's sake - don't give it away for free!"


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