Thursday, July 24, 2008

The S-JAMM Awards

Well, Joan Rivers has crawled back into her coffin, E! is ripping apart Gwyneth Paltrow's latest disaster, and everyone's still wondering how Cameron Diaz manages to get her perfectly toned ass invited to these shin-digs.

Welcome to the Innagural Every-So-Often S-JAMM Awards. Here is your host, two-time winner of People's Sexiest Man Alive Award, George Clooney!

George: Welcome, folks! (charming, witty monologue ensues) MM, you look positively ravishing. See you later in The Green Room?

MM: (drools into the decolletage of her Carolina Herrera gown - luckily, Renee Zellweger has a spare)

George: Well, we've only just begun and the show's already run 2 hours over, so let's hand out some awards!

First up, in the category of animation, please welcome Jessie from Toy Story 2. She's presenting The You Make Me Smile Award, given to Manic Mommy last February by the colorful and flavorful KC, star of Where's My Cape.

And the winner is...Holly at June Cleaver Nirvana for her recurring role in Holly's Animated Life.

Excerpts from her acceptance speech include "maybe I can put it beside the fruit bowl."

It was a real coup for Manic Mommy to get Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson to present this next award right on the heals of their Nipplegate exoneration. Ladies and gentlemen, The Blog Buddies Award, previously presented to Manic Mommy by the lovely and lusty JCK of Motherscribe.

Justin and Janet happily pin this award to the chest of that Swanky Mama, Denise at Real. Life. Ramblings. Oh, there seems to be a delay; Denise stops three times on her way up to the stage to change shoes.

Next up, please welcome Nicole Kidman, 45 minutes postpartum wearing a size negative 2 (she's already lost all 1.3 pounds of baby weight through an all flax seed and pomegranate diet). In another S-JAMM first, The Five Blogs That Make My Day Award is a tie! And all five winners are The New Girl!

She was long considered the front-runner in this category. But the edgy/modern/informative/unique brand of humor exemplified in her blog has managed to stun even Vegas' most knowledgeable odds-makers!

Manic Mommy had previously won this award given by none other than JCK at Motherscribe.

What a night for The New Girl, The Man, and of course, everyone's favorite TLNG!

Our next award defies requires no introduction. This is largely due to the fact that none of it's recipients thus far is fluent enough in Spanish to accurately translate its full meaning. Of course ladies and gentlemen we speak of none other than The Arte y Pico Award. presented to Manic Mommy by LA's fastest rising star and spokesmodel for Best Buy, Fran from Merlot Mom.
Here to present the award are Salma Hayak and Penelope Cruz. Uh, because they speak Spanish. And they're gorgeous.

And the award goes to Georgia Getz, best known to Manic Mommy's husband as Bossy! And the Kodak Theatre erupts in thunderous applause as Bossy arrives in her very own Saturn Vue.

It had been widely speculated that Ms. Getz would send a young Native American girl in her place to decline the award. But to the delight of S-JAMMers everywhere, she is here tonight! Bossy, please get your brilliant son to translate. Or at least put on a tux for us to leer at!

And at long last, we arrive at tonight's final award.

I just thought of In keeping with the long-standing tradition at the S-JAMMs assigning presenters based on their close (working) relationship with the winner, here to hand out the You Make My Day Award, we are hot, sweating, pleased to introduce Viggo Mortensen to give a not-so-little sumthin' sumthin' to JCK for her performance in Motherscribe.

In a near repeat of the 46th Academy Awards streaking incident, Jennifer begins her walk to the podium naked but for a pair of her signature fishnets to launch herself at accept her award. Viggo meets her halfway and the two are quickly ushered off stage by Rumer Willis.

George Clooney (throws an arm over the back of a Green Room couch as he straightens his tie to cover lipstick marks from his previously crisp white collar and unbuttoned shirt): Well folks, I hope you all had as good a time tonight as I did. God give me the stamina to do this again!

Manic Mommy: And again...good night everybody!


Denise said...

Oh My Gaw~ I got another award!!! Careful, I just might get a big head. Good thing those shoes go on my feet!

Thanks Sista!

P.S. What color were those shoes? I hope they were my best!

Denise said...

OHHH, and THANK YOU that it was JT giving me that award!! Wowza!

BOSSY said...

(Blonde acceptance speech)

Bossy just wants to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is, like, a compliment she'll remember for as long as she can.

Right now Bossy is a freshman in her fourth year at UCLA but her goal is to become a veterinarian because she just loves children.

HRH said...

Thank you. Thank you very much. I am much relieved that the S-JAMM awards has an animation category. I suspect that you were gracious and included them in the main event instead of the little dinner a few days prior to the main event where I would be eating chicken dinner and finding out what won "best editing in a foreign animated short with subtitles".

Seriously, this was really fun and you are super sweet. I graciously accept and am considering a location to display it...the fruit bowl is a contender.

the new girl said...

I..I..I justwanttothankaaaaaalllthelittlepeoplewhomadethispossibleforme.


Don't play the music!

I have more speech to read!!

JCK said...

This. Was. Possibly. Most Probably. The. Best. Awards. I've. Ever. Seen/Read. I see it in my head. Are you KIDDING ME? Viggo!! I SEE IT IN MY HEAD.

You are the sweetest. I thank you so much and...truly, this was the most creative Awards presentation I've seen on a blog. And much better than the televised versions.

Thank you. And now between all of us, I'm sure we can scrounge up a little whiskey, some chocolate, wine and ...that's about all that's needed. Although you better lean over George and help him with the lipstick marks.

G said...

Congrats to all of the winners!

MM - thanks for the shout out on your homepage! I hope it will bring me lots of cool friends like you have!!!! LOL.


Limbic Resonance said...

Totally pithy. You rock.


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