Clipped

This post is cut and pasted (with permission) directly from an email I received from my cousin, a teacher, last evening. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Hi everyone!

This is both funny and disturbing at the same time, but I wanted to share. If you are weirded out about personal girly things, involving a friend or cousin as the case may be, stop reading now, and go about your business. But if the intrigue of the matter overshadows that, (Christine?) read away.

So I'm in work today and it is one of those crazy days. My assistant was out and there was no substitute, so my boss was with me. I am in my dramatic play area with the kids, and I'm kneeling down tying an apron on one of my students, since we are doing a restaurant theme.

Now picture this, I am completely on my knees, and somehow a clipboard (for taking food orders you know!) gets placed on it's side and somehow makes its way between my legs. I then decide to sit backwards, so as to put my butt on the back of my calves. (OK, this is where it gets gross...)

Now I can't manage to be accurate for anything else, but somehow my girly parts made direct and hard contact with the edge of the clipboard, causing significant pain. Then, 2 seconds later, I realize that blood is gushing down my legs. So now I bolt out of the classroom to the bathroom to clean up, to realize that it is not stopping!

So in what became a total comedy, I run to my desk to grab pads, (thankfully I keep a stash of them), one of my supervisors takes me in the bathroom to check out my injury. I later found out that she didn't realize the exact location of the injury, thinking it was just on my groin - I didn't get to show her thankfully.

Now mind you, I don't have the car, it is in [city 15 miles away] with [husband], and now I have to call my gyno to tell her that I have a vaginal injury due to sitting on a clipboard. So my friend drives me to [husband's work] to get the car, I drive to my mother's to get clothes to change into (yup, had to wear her undies too - turned them inside out, and was still padded) and head off to the doctor.

At the doctor's office, I was a bit of a celebrity because they were practically taking bets as to how the injury actually happened. The top of the list was that the metal clip on the top of the clipboard clipped me. Once they found out what happened, they decided that a metal clip may have been better. So the nurse practitioner comes in to examine me and I believe her exact words were "OK, let me see what we have - OH GOD!" Not a very promising thing to hear when you are laying in stirrups on a table.

So they get my regular doctor to check me out and she determines that what I did to myself was the equivalent of giving birth, (to a clipboard!!!) kind of like a do-it-yourself home episiotomy. She then debates about giving me stitches, but decides that the pain involved in that might be worse.

So now, I am bruised, swollen, and have to use a squirt bottle when I pee. And to top it all off, no sex until I am completely healed. People at work think that [husband] is going to sue for pain and suffering. But the best part of all of this is that I have to fill out an accident report at work. Now what do I write on that...

So thumbs up to any of you who have given birth vaginally. The pain/discomfort involved in a c-section is nothing compared to how I currently feel! Hope none of you is too weirded out by this and that your days went better than mine. Well, off to put a bag of frozen peas down my pants.


I...have nothing to add.