Tuesday, August 25, 2009

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Heinz/Hellmans/French's:
I'm sick of your upside-down bottles. They're awkwardly sized and you really waste a lot when you get to the bottom (err, top?). I'm a big girl; I can handle flipping it over and shaking it a little. What ever happened to anticipation anyway?

Dear ESPN:
Your announcers suck. It's not just that they are biased against the Red Sox but they don't even announce the game. Rather, they wander off on semi-relevant tangents and come back from commercial in the middle of play. I recognize this last complaint is not the announcers' fault but I just wanted to demonstrate my own tangent-ability.

Dear Mom at Stop and Shop:
Thanks so much for bringing your tweens shopping with you. Next time, might I suggest they skip the Heelys and you keep them in the same vicinity as you? Bet you'd be the first person to sue if the children were to wipe out in the frozen foods aisle.

Dear Heelys:
Your website is as obnoxious as your product. Good luck with that.

Dear Museum of Science:
Even if charging one adult and two children $54.00 for a few hours at the museum does not preclude you from being able to call yourself "not-for-profit", charging $24.00 for a plate of mac n cheese, chicken fingers, and a salad does. PS, those Bakugans in the gift shop you're charging $19.99 for? Sell for $7.99 at Target.

Dear XM:
If you're going to have an entire station dedicated to The First Wave/early 80s, go the extra mile and assume that your listeners would like to hear the extended version of of Bullet the Blue Sky.

You are forgiven for this oversight because you played Save a Prayer right after The Cure.

Dear Me:
Awesome decision to go with the sunroof and XM. Driving down the highway just past dusk on a not-too-hot August night, listening to Duran Duran with the volume turned up is one of life's great pleasures.


natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

Did you come up with those all at once or have you been saving thisp ost for a week?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Also, Duran Duran is teh awesome. No matter what my husband says...

Funnyrunner said...

MM, I LOVED this post!! My favorite part, during which (or after which? don't know - see? I can be tangential, too! :) was "err. top?" LOL. Was I possibly the mom you saw with the tweens in the store (insert shamed face)? It was the only way I could get through the store yesterday - sending the boys off on separate tasks (find a bag of chips you want. take as looonnng as you want). But wait- no heelys for them. I didn't even know what they were until I followed your link, thanks A LOT. geez. okay. enough rambling. good, no GREAT post. 4 thumbs' up.

Funnyrunner said...

oh, shoot! I forgot to say satellite radio ROCKS! (pun intended). but ... um.. Duran Duran? hmmm. never did like them. So.. I don't have mine set on First Wave - it's early 80s? talk about perrrfect! tanks!

Em said...

I love XM! Yet again, Corporate America offers a product I thought I would never want, but now cannot live without.


How about Hair Nation - now THAT rocks.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Duran Duran--oh the memories. I wore a yellow tank dress with a seersucker skirt to it--pink and yellow polka dots to the concert. I went braless and my friend's mother complimented my boobs when I picked her up.

Momma Hunt said...

You are too funny. With the ESPN I couldn't agree more. My husband refuses to watch the games when they are on ESPN, he watches the live feed online because the announcing is so bad.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

Glad I'm not alone with the upside-down bottles.

ESPN makes me crazy. We watch a lot of it in our house. My husband is a Red Sox fan (I'm a Twins fan but cheer for the Sox as long as the two teams aren't playing.)

Love the last letter!

KC said...

I like it here in The Complaint Department. Feels like home. Fortunately, I know nothing about the ESPN announcers. NOTHING.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

This made me smile.

And I HATE upside down bottles. It's just like ASKING for a leak in my fridge...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I haven't yet reached the stage of hating those upside down bottles. I get frustrated toward the end, but never thought to bring to full conciousness my feelings to the point of ranting. Now that you've brought it to my attention, I'm sure I'll get pissed the next time I use it and now I'll know why. So, you know...thanks for that.

Otter Thomas said...

Funny post! You should try on the ESPN announcers if you lived anwhere outside the northeast. I think they are under the impression that there are only 8 or 9 states in our great country.

shortmama said...

Loved these!

MadMad said...

Oh, you're too funny - but so right about those bottles! I totally hadn't thought of it before; I thought it was just me, being too stupid to make them work right! But they DO just pool up there at the end, don't they? Great post!

Life As I Know It said...

I remember we had to make up a dance routine to Girls On Film in middle school for gym class. Ah, the 80's!


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