Wrap It in Bacon

Remember that email that went around a few years ago about how to give a cat a pill?  It went on and on with steps including massage cat's throat, remove cat from drapery rod, then apply direct pressure to lacerations.  Then there was "how to give a pill to a dog."  Answer: wrap it in bacon. 

Gremlin has been experiencing some significant constipation issues for about the past month.  Basically, he refuses to poop.  This is different from his usual "I don't have to go - I'm too busy playing" refusal and has now migrated to his school day.  We've instituted mandatory "trying" periods throughout the day and returned to the sitting-on-the-edge-of-the-tub, potty training model.

Friday, while in Target (why do I always get this call when I've got a full cart?), the school nurse calls stating she's got Gremlin in her office doubled over with stomach pains.  I'm on my way but it's going to be a few minutes.  She calls back seconds later asking me to please bring a change of clothes as well.  Awesome.

As I arrive at school and the nurse waves me toward the bathroom where she has left my 5-year-old to clean himself up following his accident.  I find him naked and covered, wiping ineffectually at his body with dry, brown, industrial paper towels.  Thankfully, it didn't seem to be bothering him. 

The pediatrician starts writing before I've finished my first sentence.  Gremlin has encopresis and needs a laxative.  Here's where we get to the bacon part.

We opted to wait until Saturday morning vs. Friday evening to begin the regimen for obvious reasons. Andy and I sat at the kitchen table for in excess of 45 minutes trying to teach, convince, discuss, cajole, explain, threaten, and ultimately bribe Grem to swallow an Exlax pill resembling a blue M&M.

He eventually allows the pill to completely dissolve in his mouth complaining the whole time that it tastes like sand, yet refusing to swallow or take a sip of any of the 6 different beverage selections we have offered him.  Also, he is now the proud owner of SpongeBob Atlantis Squarepantis DS game. 

And all for nothing.  Based on his chosen method of absorption and the complete lack of results, I'm guessing that none of the medicine actually made it to the boy's lower G.I.

This morning, I returned to CVS and going against the advice of the pharmacist Andy spoke with yesterday, got Exlax in chocolate form.  I came home, said "hey Grem, here's some chocolate medicine!"  He ate two pieces and we're done.

Wrap it in bacon.

To Whom It May Concern - The "Where Have You Been 'Young' Lady?" - Edition

January -
Dear Funky Mammogram, what a great way to start off the year!  But thanks for being there for me.

March -
Dear Needle Biopsy, you are not nearly as painful as your name would suggest.  I am so glad you turned out to be a negative guy.  Positive can be such a downer sometimes, y'know?

April -
Dear Gremlin, we made it!  You're five years old.  I know it was touch and go for a while there - especially during those terrible twos (and threes) but here we are!  Thank you, I love you.

May -
Welcome acquiring company!  Thank you for asking! I'd love a large Blue Cross Blue Shield with a PPO and a side of dental.  What's that?  You've just got New Coke, circa 1985.  Oh, I guess that'll be almost as good.  Thanks.

June -
Dear company that strung us along for the past six months with promises of the ideal job only to go with nepotism in the end.  This is me, pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you, then pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you. Understood?

July -
Dear Andy, have fun at the trial in Texas.  Sorry you had to miss our Cape vacation.  With your family. And our anniversary.  I mean our 10th anniversary.

September -
Dear Birthday,  beginning in 2011, you will take place sometime in May. I hope this change isn't too inconvenient to you but I think you'll agree that a time not coinciding with the first week of school will allow us some more time to enjoy one another's company.

November -
Dear Former Company, Pfffft!
Dear Lymphoma, just like a coward, you bring a knife to a gun fight.  Back the eff away from my friend.  Good boy. Now stay...staaay...

Dear 2010,
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Dear 2011,
Welcome, my year of health, prosperity, happiness, new job, and new house!  Treat me right and I'll recommend you to all my friends.  Treat me wrong and I'll make you wish you were 2001.

Be Excellent To Each Other

Example 1: A week or so ago, I was in line to get gas at one of the only local places that pumps for you and is relatively cheap.  Based on these criteria, it's generally pretty crowded there.  I noticed a two-pumper where the car in front was pulling away.  I threaded my car between the car at the rear pump and one in the next aisle, pulled the lever to open my little gas door, and waited for the attendant.  He appeared a moment later and I lowered my window to ask for him to fill it, regular.

Instead, he told me I'd actually cut the line. I apologized and asked him to close my gas door as I placed the car back in Drive.  As I did so, the woman I'd inadvertently cut hung out the driver's side of her Buick and yelled "Hey, Asshole!  Move your car!".  The attendant kindly informed her that I didn't know and was moving - and that there was no need to swear.  She responded with "Oh.  Never mind." while I circled around to take my place behind her, remaining silent.

Example 2: I was at Stop and Shop just past Frozen Corn, guiding my shopping car into the hairpin turn toward Orange Juice and English Muffins.  As happens all the time at the grocery store, I nearly collided with another shopper coming the opposite way.  I smiled the polite apology smile and he mutters "Jesus-Fucking-Christ" under his breath. 

The economy is improving at a snail's pace, we're at war, and people are shooting congress members and ordinary citizens with automatic weapons at supermarkets. It's damn cold. Around here, we've got at least three feet of solid ice piled up along every roadside and driveway.  New storms have been coming in with a frequency of about once a week.  I get it. 

But is this what it's come down to?  I mean, I'm from Boston.  In a recent survey, we were voted the sixth rudest city in America. I can take it. But is this how we want to treat one another?  Is this what we want our kids to see and think is normal?

I just need to put it out there and hope that if enough of us do, more will come around:

Be excellent to each other.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

From Our Home to Yours

How OCD Are You?

1. Your child comes downstairs after a bath dressed in a Star Wars pajama top and Super Mario bottoms. You:

a.) Don't notice.
b.) Note that Dad selected the pjs and shrug.  They're ready for bed so it's still a win.
c.) Remind yourself to take the 'matching' selections out of the rotation until the laundry catches up.

2. After placing your groceries in the back of your SUV, you note that the 'carriage corral' is overflowing with shopping carts.  You:

a.) Tuck the shopping cart between two cars and drive away.
b.) Park your cart behind the last in line, further blocking the driving lane
c.) Reorganize the carts so that each one tucks neatly into the one before it, freeing up valuable corral space.

3. Your husband loads the dishwasher.  You:

a.) Thank him profusely to encourage future behavior.
b.)  Move the taller glasses to the designated "taller glasses area," and mugs to the "mug area," remove the larger bowls to wash by hand, and arrange all plates according to size and type.
c.) Explain exactly what he did wrong and why. Are surprised and disappointed when he declines your offer for further dishwasher-loading instruction.

4. It is Christmas time.  This means:

a.) The correct order of tree decoration is: lights, garland, ornaments, tinsel, angel on top of the tree.
b.) A color-coded Excel spreadsheet listing recipient, gift, expected price, actual price, delta, percent complete, notes, and totals.
c.) Pulling out your wrapping paper caddy and wrapping each and every box in such a manner that you could easily land a job at Macy's.
d.) All of the above...

5. You're 7-months pregnant and moving into a new house.  To help, your sister unpacks all your pots and pans and arranges them in your new kitchen. You:

a.) Pledge your undying love to her.
b.) Recognize you might have arranged them differently but will leave them that way for now - fewer boxes to unload!
c.) Sit your gigantic pregnant ass on the kitchen floor and rearrange them according to size, type, and function. 

C
C
B
D
C

Yeah, it's that bad.  You think it's easy being anal?  How 'bout you?

Just So We're Clear

 

If I hear "what the American people want" one more time, I'm going to...insert hyperbole/expletive here

Just so we're clear, I thought I'd let you know what this American wants:

• I want my husband to have a job lined up when his expires at the end of this month.
• I want our savings to be savings, not living expenses.
• I want to be able to refinance our education loans to a reasonable interest rate so we're able to pay them off before we retire.
• I want you to pass legislation that encourages jobs and growth.
• I want you to pass legislation that takes care of those in need, and weans those in want.
• I want you to be nice.
• I want you to remember that although it's only natural to believe that your idea is the best idea, it's not the only idea.
• I want you to listen when others talk.
• I want you to to respect your office and the offices of others.
• I want you to act in the best interest of the country, not just your state, or your constituents.
• The only time I want you to use "us" and "them" is when referring to "Americans" and "Terrorists".
• I want you to remember you're there because a majority of us put you there.
• I want you to remember that your job is not to keep your job or to ensure that someone else doesn't keep his.

That's our job.

I know you've got a lot on your plates so thank you for listening.  Carry on.

Here It Is, Your Moment of Zen...

This would be mine

The Problem

The Solution

Possibly my Favorite

Clever!

(but not usually at the same time)

Photos compiled by The Huffington Post.  There are more than 400 more posted here.  Make sure to take a look.

Stay Sane, America!