Monday, March 30, 2009

To Whom It May Concern - Volume 3

Dear Valerie Bertinelli:
You look fabulous, you really do! Congratulations on the bikini bod. You obviously worked hard and it's paid off. But could you do me a favor and dial it back a little? You're really giving some husbands out there higher hopes than you should. And it's giving those of us who are also trying to commit to a weight loss/fitness regimen unrealistic expectations to live up to. You seem genuinely nice. So I know you'll cut a sister a break. Please. Go eat a doughnut.

Dear Honda CR-V:
I looooove you. You are adorable, drive like a dream, and have far more interior room than the Trailblazer could ever dream of. I promise to drive you ever so gently into the ground and take wonderful care of you every mile of the way.

Dear Driver in the Buick LeSabre:
Today, when you were merging into my lane as we both eeked past the roadwork on Rte 93? I was actually occupying that space. Your car bumped my beautiful bronze baby (see above). I have your license plate number, your car's description, and your personal description plugged into my cell phone. Luckily, when I stopped, I couldn't find a scratch. But it was pouring rain. Rest assured, if I do discover so much as a smudge on my right front quarter panel in the next two years, your ass is mine.

Dear Mean Dad:
Sometimes people are just trying to do a nice thing. Like yesterday at the movie theater? When I asked you if you were going to see Monsters vs. Aliens? I wasn't taking a survey, I wasn't going to ask you for anything. We had purchased tickets online and had an extra ticket after my 4 year old opted out. I asked because you had an appropriately aged little boy and I thought it would commit a random act of kindness and give you a free ticket. Instead, you dismissed me and told me you were in a hurry. I hope you felt small afterward. You should.

Dear Oral B Stages Toothpaste:
In what universe is bubble gum flavor fluorescent blue? My kids don't like regular minty toothpaste so I've got to get you. But really? My sink, floor, grout, and towels are chronically electric blue. I know if you really set your minds to it, you could make a slightly less garish (and permanent) shade.

Dear Boys:
You're both very smart, fairly coordinated children. What is it about toothpaste that makes you smear it all over the bathroom? Clean up your acts! Please.
PS - thanks for no longer making tooth brushing a full contact sport.

Dear Liquid Plumber Professional Strength:
FAIL.

13 comments:

marathon mom said...

What is it about kids and the toothpaste on the counter? Why do they even make a separate cleaner? Why doesn't Good Housekeeping just apply its seal on toothpaste to countertops?

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

I want to leave a snappy comment.

Single-parenting this week has sucked all snappy comments straight out of my brain.

That's truly all I got.

Sue @ My Party of 6 said...

The Colgate Shrek toothpaste is boogery yellow colored. But it doesn't seem to stain. And you can hardly see it when it's smeared all over the sink. Especially if you keep the light off.

Maggie May said...

Ha to the Valerie message!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Let's keep the Valerie thing in perspective--it's her full-time job; it's all she does right now. Plus, she has money. The whole thing is not viable in the real world.

KC said...

Airbrushing and Plastic Surgery.

Get that LaSabre! I also take cell phone pictures of cars, if only to be on my bad juju list.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

The first one made me laugh. I have done Weight Watchers (or Jenny Craig or whatever) and gotten to my ideal weight before too. I'd even go so far as to say that I've looked better after having my kids that I ever did as a single 20something. But seriously - those thighs she's sporting on the cover of People? Not possible on my body. Ever. I suspect there was a little airbrushing involved. Not being snide! Just skeptical.

Lori Hutcherson a.k.a. kcgirlgeek said...

What a great post! I'm still laughing! Funny thing is, I never had problems with my three children in regards to toothpaste. But one of my husbands (yes, I've made marriage somewhat akin to a hobby or sport) could NOT leave the house without toothpaste SOMEWHERE on his person. Sometimes it was on his tie, sometimes his pants pockets, sometimes his chin. The most embarrassing of all, however, was when he would get it on his fly while zipping up his pants. You do NOT want to know the first time I discovered THAT one and where we were (but I'm going to tell you anyway). *sigh* Let's just put it this way...our church pastor probably thought a few things of me that were very inaccurate on a Sunday morning. I mean seriously, I've just spent the past two hours frantically trying to get an entire family ready for church, there was no time for toothpaste play nor any other kind of Tom Foolery.

Needless to say, while I never had to inspect the children for toothpaste droppings, the husband never again left the house without being inspected with an almost forensic precision.

Thank you for this post and the great laughs. I will be looking forward to reading more! :)

Rachel said...

Ugh. I have the same issues with the blue toothpaste. From my kids AND the husband. I should use the white version to regrout the tile in the bathroom.

Funnyrunner said...

LOL! I love the "your ass is mine" sign-off. LLOL. still chuckling here.

I love the creativity of this one...

rn terri said...

I know, right? The boys and toothpaste just do not mix. Very funny post.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Agreed on the toothpaste warfare. It happens in the Trenches too.

MacBug said...

as to the toothpaste: I worry that this will never end. My daughters are 5 and 12- and about half of the toothpaste smears are a a height that a 5 year old is incapable of- even if she did climb on the sink. BLuuugh.

 

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