Dear Valerie Bertinelli:
You look fabulous, you really do! Congratulations on the bikini bod. You obviously worked hard and it's paid off. But could you do me a favor and dial it back a little? You're really giving some husbands out there higher hopes than you should. And it's giving those of us who are also trying to commit to a weight loss/fitness regimen unrealistic expectations to live up to. You seem genuinely nice. So I know you'll cut a sister a break. Please. Go eat a doughnut.
Dear Honda CR-V:
I looooove you. You are adorable, drive like a dream, and have far more interior room than the Trailblazer could ever dream of. I promise to drive you ever so gently into the ground and take wonderful care of you every mile of the way.
Dear Driver in the Buick LeSabre:
Today, when you were merging into my lane as we both eeked past the roadwork on Rte 93? I was actually occupying that space. Your car bumped my beautiful bronze baby (see above). I have your license plate number, your car's description, and your personal description plugged into my cell phone. Luckily, when I stopped, I couldn't find a scratch. But it was pouring rain. Rest assured, if I do discover so much as a smudge on my right front quarter panel in the next two years, your ass is mine.
Dear Mean Dad:
Sometimes people are just trying to do a nice thing. Like yesterday at the movie theater? When I asked you if you were going to see Monsters vs. Aliens? I wasn't taking a survey, I wasn't going to ask you for anything. We had purchased tickets online and had an extra ticket after my 4 year old opted out. I asked because you had an appropriately aged little boy and I thought it would commit a random act of kindness and give you a free ticket. Instead, you dismissed me and told me you were in a hurry. I hope you felt small afterward. You should.
Dear Oral B Stages Toothpaste:
In what universe is bubble gum flavor fluorescent blue? My kids don't like regular minty toothpaste so I've got to get you. But really? My sink, floor, grout, and towels are chronically electric blue. I know if you really set your minds to it, you could make a slightly less garish (and permanent) shade.
You're both very smart, fairly coordinated children. What is it about toothpaste that makes you smear it all over the bathroom? Clean up your acts! Please.
PS - thanks for no longer making tooth brushing a full contact sport.
Dear Liquid Plumber Professional Strength:
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