Wordless Wednesday - How Do You Sleep at Night?

Okay, Maybe It's a Little True...

The other day, I opened my laptop to find Andy's email open, with this goofy forward from his brother, Greg:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

 
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
 

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
 

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
 

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here!"

I read it, thinking how stupid it was, surprised that Greg would find it humorous, let alone bother to forward it.  Then I forgot its existence.

Until yesterday. 

I was cooking dinner when an incredibly annoying honking horn entered my consciousness.  Andy investigated and stated it was my neighbor's old car that was still in their driveway.  The neighborhood kids had been in the backyard next door and one of the kids 'checked to see if it was locked' setting off the alarm.  Our neighbor had been notified and was heading out with the keys.

After several more minutes of constant honking.  I looked at Andy and said "You know, it's been going on for a while. If Jackie's not able to get it to shut off with just the key, someone needs to go out there and disconnect the battery." 

So out Andy and his crescent wrench go.

After I got dinner in the oven, I walked over to see how it was going.  The first words out of Jackie's mouth upon my arrival?  If my husband had just gotten rid of this thing last week like I told him to...

"No, stand in that line."

The Threshold

And as we celebrate the four month anniversary of Andy's last day of work, we reach another milestone: the exploration of job opportunities outside of Massachusetts.  Yes, folks; things really are that bad out there.  With this in mind, I'd ask you all to fill out the following survey:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nearest metropolitan area within reasonable commuting distance that offers a variety of Patent/Intellectual Property Attorney positions for people with 10 years of experience in the field is: _____________________

I would best describe my climate as:
__ Comparable to Boston
__ Arid (Desert southwest)
__ So humid you have to wring your clothes out after stepping from the house to the car (southeast)
__  My kids can play outside 350+ days a year (San Diego)

The cost of living in my region can best be described as:
a. Living like kings
b. Average
c. Comparable to Boston
d. We read by candlelight to save money

My nearest Starbucks is located ___ miles from my home.


My nearest Target is located ___ miles from my home.

The average cost for a 4br/2.5ba home in a good school district is: __________________.  (Anyone whose answer is over $650K need not apply; I'm from Boston.)

If I have to make an unscheduled trip to the store at 10:00 pm, I feel:
a.  Entirely safe, I love my neighborhood.
b. Safe Enough
c. I don't go if I don't have to
d. I make sure the Taser is fully charged

The thing I like best about my neighborhood is: _________________.

The thing I like best about my kids' school is: ___________________.

Bonus Question: If the Manic Family moved to our area, we promise to introduce you to many people, show you around town, have playdates with the boys, and drink wine with the Mommy.  (okay, so that really wasn't a question.)


Note to our families: This is just an exploratory.  We're not doing anything yet.  Don't panic.
Note to our readers:  No really, let me know what it's like where you are.

Wrap It in Bacon

Remember that email that went around a few years ago about how to give a cat a pill?  It went on and on with steps including massage cat's throat, remove cat from drapery rod, then apply direct pressure to lacerations.  Then there was "how to give a pill to a dog."  Answer: wrap it in bacon. 

Gremlin has been experiencing some significant constipation issues for about the past month.  Basically, he refuses to poop.  This is different from his usual "I don't have to go - I'm too busy playing" refusal and has now migrated to his school day.  We've instituted mandatory "trying" periods throughout the day and returned to the sitting-on-the-edge-of-the-tub, potty training model.

Friday, while in Target (why do I always get this call when I've got a full cart?), the school nurse calls stating she's got Gremlin in her office doubled over with stomach pains.  I'm on my way but it's going to be a few minutes.  She calls back seconds later asking me to please bring a change of clothes as well.  Awesome.

As I arrive at school and the nurse waves me toward the bathroom where she has left my 5-year-old to clean himself up following his accident.  I find him naked and covered, wiping ineffectually at his body with dry, brown, industrial paper towels.  Thankfully, it didn't seem to be bothering him. 

The pediatrician starts writing before I've finished my first sentence.  Gremlin has encopresis and needs a laxative.  Here's where we get to the bacon part.

We opted to wait until Saturday morning vs. Friday evening to begin the regimen for obvious reasons. Andy and I sat at the kitchen table for in excess of 45 minutes trying to teach, convince, discuss, cajole, explain, threaten, and ultimately bribe Grem to swallow an Exlax pill resembling a blue M&M.

He eventually allows the pill to completely dissolve in his mouth complaining the whole time that it tastes like sand, yet refusing to swallow or take a sip of any of the 6 different beverage selections we have offered him.  Also, he is now the proud owner of SpongeBob Atlantis Squarepantis DS game. 

And all for nothing.  Based on his chosen method of absorption and the complete lack of results, I'm guessing that none of the medicine actually made it to the boy's lower G.I.

This morning, I returned to CVS and going against the advice of the pharmacist Andy spoke with yesterday, got Exlax in chocolate form.  I came home, said "hey Grem, here's some chocolate medicine!"  He ate two pieces and we're done.

Wrap it in bacon.

To Whom It May Concern - The "Where Have You Been 'Young' Lady?" - Edition

January -
Dear Funky Mammogram, what a great way to start off the year!  But thanks for being there for me.

March -
Dear Needle Biopsy, you are not nearly as painful as your name would suggest.  I am so glad you turned out to be a negative guy.  Positive can be such a downer sometimes, y'know?

April -
Dear Gremlin, we made it!  You're five years old.  I know it was touch and go for a while there - especially during those terrible twos (and threes) but here we are!  Thank you, I love you.

May -
Welcome acquiring company!  Thank you for asking! I'd love a large Blue Cross Blue Shield with a PPO and a side of dental.  What's that?  You've just got New Coke, circa 1985.  Oh, I guess that'll be almost as good.  Thanks.

June -
Dear company that strung us along for the past six months with promises of the ideal job only to go with nepotism in the end.  This is me, pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you, then pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you. Understood?

July -
Dear Andy, have fun at the trial in Texas.  Sorry you had to miss our Cape vacation.  With your family. And our anniversary.  I mean our 10th anniversary.

September -
Dear Birthday,  beginning in 2011, you will take place sometime in May. I hope this change isn't too inconvenient to you but I think you'll agree that a time not coinciding with the first week of school will allow us some more time to enjoy one another's company.

November -
Dear Former Company, Pfffft!
Dear Lymphoma, just like a coward, you bring a knife to a gun fight.  Back the eff away from my friend.  Good boy. Now stay...staaay...

Dear 2010,
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Dear 2011,
Welcome, my year of health, prosperity, happiness, new job, and new house!  Treat me right and I'll recommend you to all my friends.  Treat me wrong and I'll make you wish you were 2001.

Be Excellent To Each Other

Example 1: A week or so ago, I was in line to get gas at one of the only local places that pumps for you and is relatively cheap.  Based on these criteria, it's generally pretty crowded there.  I noticed a two-pumper where the car in front was pulling away.  I threaded my car between the car at the rear pump and one in the next aisle, pulled the lever to open my little gas door, and waited for the attendant.  He appeared a moment later and I lowered my window to ask for him to fill it, regular.

Instead, he told me I'd actually cut the line. I apologized and asked him to close my gas door as I placed the car back in Drive.  As I did so, the woman I'd inadvertently cut hung out the driver's side of her Buick and yelled "Hey, Asshole!  Move your car!".  The attendant kindly informed her that I didn't know and was moving - and that there was no need to swear.  She responded with "Oh.  Never mind." while I circled around to take my place behind her, remaining silent.

Example 2: I was at Stop and Shop just past Frozen Corn, guiding my shopping car into the hairpin turn toward Orange Juice and English Muffins.  As happens all the time at the grocery store, I nearly collided with another shopper coming the opposite way.  I smiled the polite apology smile and he mutters "Jesus-Fucking-Christ" under his breath. 

The economy is improving at a snail's pace, we're at war, and people are shooting congress members and ordinary citizens with automatic weapons at supermarkets. It's damn cold. Around here, we've got at least three feet of solid ice piled up along every roadside and driveway.  New storms have been coming in with a frequency of about once a week.  I get it. 

But is this what it's come down to?  I mean, I'm from Boston.  In a recent survey, we were voted the sixth rudest city in America. I can take it. But is this how we want to treat one another?  Is this what we want our kids to see and think is normal?

I just need to put it out there and hope that if enough of us do, more will come around:

Be excellent to each other.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

From Our Home to Yours