The Half Naked Truth

The always awesome Jason from The Jason Show recently posted some thoughts on nudity and asked his readers to share our favorite naked stories.  And who doesn't have one of those?  Without further ado, I humbly submit mine:


Back in the late 90s, in my late 20s, I was taking my last business trip out to California before I left my current job.  I was to meet up with our VP of Sales, Bob who had been my friend and mentor for the last seven years.  We were meeting with a series of companies headquartered in So Cal and capping it off with a sweet boondoggle Sales Meeting at a golf club in Rancho Santa Fe. 

Day one, I started off on the right foot by missing my early flight from Boston to LAX but managed to catch the next one -- with an upgrade to Business Class!  After meeting up at the Marriott,  Bob and I decided to go to Gladstone's on Sunset for dinner.  I had a glass of wine while we waited for our table and two more with dinner.  Upon our return to the hotel, we decided to hang in the cigar bar at the hotel (I mentioned it was the late 90s, right?) and ended up playing chess over another drink.

As I reached for my knight to make what I'm sure would have been a killer move,  I inadvertently took out most of the chess pieces.  Bob righted the board, suggested perhaps we should turn in, and walked me to the elevators. Apparently, all day travel + four glasses of wine + one meal in 24-hours for a 120-pound, 27-year-old woman was a bad combination.

Entering my hotel room, I took off my clothes, headed straight to the bathroom, (ahem) purged, and took a short nap.  Upon waking, I left the bathroom and walked...immediately...into...the...hotel corridor.  Naturally, the door locked behind me.   And there I stood; mostly asleep, still drunk, smelling not great, and wearing a t-shirt that barely covered the important parts - trying to formulate a plan.

- Appearing on Bob's doorstep in such a state was probably not such a good idea.
- Taking the elevator down to the lobby also held little appeal.
- Plan C?  Anyone? Bueller?

Just then, the door next to mine opened and a man appeared. Awesome. He took stock, reached the correct conclusion that I'd locked myself out, and generously offered to call Security.  He then asked if I'd like to wait in his room until they showed.  Dude, I'm drunk but not stupid.  Before I could formulate a less-rude reply, he said "correction, would you like to wait in my room with my sister and 14 month old niece?".  Oh.  Well then.  That's a horse of a different color. 

I enter his hotel room where his adorable niece is standing up in her Pack n Play clearly not ready to sleep.  I proceed to lean my make-up-smeared face over her, using my best auntie skillz while trying not to expose myself or breathe vomit/sleep breath on her.  Soon enough (probably not so for this family), Security arrived and I was let back into my hotel room to contemplate where one would find an AA meeting in the middle of the night in LA.

The next day at a breakfast meeting, God exacted His revenge by seating me next to a client who ordered sausage biscuits and gravy.

No Stupid Deed Goes Unpunished

My wonderful gay boyfriend, Jason, a teacher, posted a truly technicolor set of stories about kids in his class puking through the years. Coincidentally, I was with my dear high school friends over the weekend and we were reliving one of my own favorite puke stories:

We were seniors in high school and my friend, Chris' parents were away for the weekend. As you know, this means a party. So we all headed over and commenced with the drinking. Mary was the first to fall. One minute, she was mid-conversation with Chris' sister, Donna. The next, she's face down in the kitchen sink, losing everything she's consumed in the last (month) day. God love Donna. Without missing a beat, she casually walks over to the sink, turns on the water and the disposal, and continues with her story.

Unfortunately, Mary has not gotten sleep-over permission and it's too late to call her parents. We brilliant, drunk adolescents decide to bring her home. I can't remember what we thought about nearly-unconscious Mary getting past her parents. I would assume they were asleep.

As luck would have it, our friend Sue's boyfriend, Chris, had worked that night and had arrived shortly before Mary's puke-fest. He became our designated driver. I was slightly more sober than the rest, so I was the Wing Man. We trundle Mary into the car with Chris driving, Mary in the passenger seat and me, sitting on the bench seat between them. Mary's getting the spins so we decide to recline her seat, forcing me to scootch a little closer to Chris.

It was at a red light on Winter Hill after midnight that we look over to see Sue's mother (aka, Chris' future mother-in-law) pull up to the light next to us. We wave. She stares. The pieces...click...into...place. Uh oh. The light changes and we take off.

The next day, Sue's mom comes into her room, closes the door, and tells her she has something to discuss with her.


*** Please heed this warning: Never, ever, ever, ever do a Google Image search for "puking". Ever. ***

'Nuff Said

Alcohol May Have Been A Factor

For the 13th year, Manic Mommy spent her Saturday wasting away again in Margaritaville. It's really more of a visual...

Arrival Time: Approximately 12:00 noon. Drinking commences immediately.

Please note Tiki Bar built by my brother, John.

John can down an entire 12 oz beer in 6 seconds.
My sister, Danni can count Mississippis like nobody's business.

I don't think anyone counted how long it took me to down a beer from a flamingo funnel.

Everywhere we go, people think my friend, Joe is Kevin Youkilis.

Hugging Joe
Cradling my margarita.

Did I mention the HAIL STORM??

Alcohol was clearly a factor.

Jimmy was in fine form.

Danni has her FINS UP.

As did the rest of the crowd.

Danni's new boy(toy) friend, who not only shares her birthday but also could not believe she was the mother of two teenagers.

Can not tell you what they are looking at.

Arrival in parking lot: 12:00 noon
Departure from parking lot: 1:00 am, the following day.

Conclusion: Manic Mommy and her peeps are VARSITY!

Teach Your Children Well

MM: What 'cha doing?


Gremlin: I thought you'd like some wine.

MM: Thanks, Buddy. But not at 10:30 in the morning.


Evidently, he's not just driving me to drink; he's also doing the pouring.

Nutrisystem By the Numbers

Days on Nutrisystem: 21

Nutrisystem meals eaten: 61*

Number of spinach salads eaten: 42

Most surprisingly good Nutrisystem entree: tie: Chicken Salad and Cajun Chicken and Rice

Number of Nutrisystem entrees that smell like dogfood: 1 (Homestyle Beef and Gravy - eww)

Number of Nutrisystem "suggested" entrees most likely to be donated to a food pantry: 1 (Split Pea Soup - double eww)

Total ounces of water consumed: 1,344
% increase: 200%

Total trips to the ladies room: Incalculable

Total Glasses of Wine Consumed: 4*
% decrease: 73%

Total Starbucks Venti Chai's Consumed: 3
% decrease: 86%

Estimated number of vices remaining: 3

Number of yoga classes attended during first two weeks of program: 0

Number of yoga classes attended in third week of program: 4

Total Weight Lost: 7.5 lbs

Average cost per pound lost: $29.90

Average pounds lost per day: 0.36 lbs

Number of days until Disney World trip: 26

What to Really Expect

For my friend, Jennifer, who is expecting her first child. These are the things that they can't tell you in books. I give you HRH's six-year check up.

The initial aspects of the physical are going pretty well; height - check, weight - check, eyes/ears/nose/mouth -check. The pediatrician has HRH stand up, touch his nose, touch his toes, pull down his pants - wha? What was that last thing?? HRH is awash in shyness and confusion while I'm doing the "Doctors, Mommy and Daddy" privacy song and dance.

Eventually, HRH mans up and pulls down his boxers. The doctor gets enough of a glance to note that everything is where it should be. Aaaand now it's time for three immunizations, a blood test and a urine test.

We got him on the first shot with the sneak attack. For the second and third, I'm half-lying across the exam table with his legs in a scissor hold between mine, while pinning his hands against my body, exposing one bicep as he screaches in my left ear.

Next, we're off to the lab for blood work. HRH is still hyperventilating when he realizes we're not headed to the car and starts running. I catch up, grab him, and drag him into the lab. More pinning, more screaming ensues but eventually 0.001 cc of blood is drawn from his index finger. The tech then hands me a sample cup. Like I could ever coerce him into peeing into it. I give her the 'you gotta be kidding me' look and she agrees that perhaps I can take it with us and get a sample later. Better plan.

By the time I'm carrying my 45 pound 'baby' out of the building, he is literally speaking in tongues. I don't know what he was saying but it was not English. The only thing to comfort and quiet him? A special occasion (Strawberries and Cream Frapuccino) drink from Starbucks. That's my boy.

Motherhood: A full-contact sport.

DaVinci Has His Last Supper, I Have This

Nearly two years ago, we were hosting Christmas at our house. As we were piling the food onto the table and guests and family members settling themselves in, I opened a couple of bottles of wine and began pouring. As I did so, I called out "Who wants Merlot?".

From the living room, the 1 1/2 year old voice of RC answered enthusiastically "I do!".

It's gone on to become a standing family joke, with someone or other yelling out the question and the rest of us replying, Marco Polo-style.

Today, HRH brought this home from school:

DaVinci can have his Last Supper, I'm going to frame this work of art to be immortalized in our dining room.

Oh, The Heart-Stopping Goodness

Artichoke~Cheese Dip

~ 1 small jar artichoke hearts
~ 1 16 oz container sour cream (I use light)
~ 2 cups shredded cheddar
~ 1 brick cream cheese
~ 1/2 cup shredded parmesan
~ freshly ground pepper to taste
~ 1 medium to large loaf round bread, any type (I prefer sour dough)
~ 1 loaf French bread


~warm refrigerated cream cheese in microwave for one minute, in medium mixing bowl
~finely chop artichoke hearts and add to softened cream cheese
~add all other ingredients and mix well with mixer (explain when son asks what mixer is)
~pour into hollowed out bread bowl and replace "cover"
~wrap bowl in aluminum foil and place on cookie sheet
~cook in preheated 375 degree oven for 1 hour

~serve with cubed french bread and this

For Nancy, who asked for the recipe. I could eat this stuff for dinner.

Trying to Reason with the Hurricane Season

Full Jimmy Buffet download to follow but for now, Kristen, this one's for you:

Send more business cards. Everywhere I wear these, I always get complimented and questioned.

Wordless Wednesday

The Bink likes a little Merlot with his blogging.

It's Wednesday and it's as close to Wordless as I can get!

Sensing a Theme?

Drink:
Cape Codder

Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz Vodka
3 oz Cranberry Juice
1 Wedge Lime

Mixing Instructions:
Pour Vodka and Cranberry Juice into a High Ball glass over ice.
Stir well
Add the wedge of lime
Serve

*with thanks to The Webtender

Won Word Meme

Last week, I joined AllMediocre in the interest of getting a little more traffic to my site (cause I need validation like that) and I'm always interested in reading blogs that might have something in common with mine. Since then, I've been having a good time linking around (cause I'm a bit of a blog slut like that) and reading new friends.

Tonight, I linked onto A Mom Two Boys (cause it sounds familiar) and was on post number 5 or 6 before I realized that it was Meghan who had actually founded All Mediocre (cause I'm sharp like that).

Meghan was tagged with a meme in which you have to answer each question with only one word. Her answers were cute and funny but what made them unusual was that she included a second set of answers expanding on her original single-word answer. I'm stealing both the meme and the extended mix version (cause I like to pay homage like that). I'm also adding A Mom Two Boys to my feeds (cause I like her style).

1. Where is your cell phone? Bag

2. Your significant other? Andy

3. Your hair? Curly

4. Your mother? Me

5. Your father? Dead

6. Your favorite thing? Sleep

7. Your dream last night? ??

8 Your favorite drink? Wine

9. Your dream/goal? Retirement

10. The room you’re in? Kitchen

11. Your hobby? Yoga

12. Your fear? Trouble

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Designing

14. What you’re not? Confident

15. Muffins? Eh

16. One of your wish list items? Bath

17. Where you grew up? Bostonish

18. The last thing you did? TV

19. What are you wearing? Shorts

20. Favorite Gadget? Cell

21. Your pets? Superfluous

22. Your computer? New!!

23. Your mood? Eh

24. Missing someone? Yeah

25. Your car? Hazmat

26. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

27. Favorite store? Target

28. Like someone? Huz

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? 4:00-ish

31. Last time you cried? Years

Now the DJ-AM Extended Club Mix:

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse. Mostly dead. I have to remember to charge it when I'm home because the majority of my car trips are too short to get a good charge.

2. Your significant other? Andy. Just called me into the living room to watch Princess Leah in chains

3. Your hair? Curly. I got it cut over a week ago but still haven't bothered to style it because it's been too humid. And humid + curly = frizz.

4. Your mother? Me. I know what I'm going to be 22 years from now. Always have.

5. Your father? Dead. I let that sleeping dog lie.

6. Your favorite thing? Sleep. Sad, but at this juncture, probably true.

7. Your dream last night? I dreamed a 3-year-old kept getting out of his bed and coming into mine. Oh...wait...

8 Your favorite drink? Wine or maybe Tea. No. Wine.

9. Your dream/goal? Retirement. Summer on the Cape. Winter in Naples, Fl. Freelancing if we want to. And as long as it doesn't interfere with travel or golf.

10. The room you’re in? Kitchen. Because I need to be sitting at a table or desk to type well.

11. Your hobby? Yoga. It goes with that whole mind/body/spirit thing I'm working on.

12. Your fear? Trouble. AKA something bad happening to my family.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Designing. The plan is that after the boys are in school full time, I go back to Boston Architectural College to study interior design. It's good to be nearly 40 and finally figure out what you want to be when you grow up.

14. What you’re not? Confident. I'll let that one stand alone for now as well

15. Muffins? Eh. Brownies on the other hand...

16. One of your wish list items? Bath. As in Master. Whenever we talk about a new house, that is an absolute. The definition of true luxury.

17. Where you grew up? Bostonish. Basically, I've lived in two towns my whole life.

18. The last thing you did? TV. I love almost anything on HGTV. Tonight it was Curb Appeal and Hidden Potential. I can't be bothered to link them.

19. What are you wearing? Shorts. It's 9:46 and still 80 degrees outside. The kitchen temp is 74.7 in case you were interested.

20. Favorite Gadget? Cell phone. I don't know anyone's phone number, I just know their speed dial. I also keep my appointments in there, and take lots of pictures.

21. Your pets? Superfluous. Not true but I needed just one word. They were my practice babies. While we're on vacation, we're making my sister stay at my mother's house so Maddie doesn't need to go to a kennel because at 8 years old, my dog has never spent a single night by herself. I don't think she knows she's a dog and not a person.

22. Your computer? New!! The funny thing is I needed a laptop so I could blog anywhere yet somehow I always end up in the kitchen.

23. Your mood? Eh. I'm in kind of a weird place right now. The boys are kicking my ass and I'm having trouble getting back in the zone.

24. Missing someone? Yeah. My best friend, Chris. It's a long story.

25. Your car? Hazmat. Not only is it my car but it's the family car, too. Just today, I proposed we hang onto it for a boat hauler/winter vehicle for Andy because the trade in will be junk anyway. This will leave me free to get something that still works for the kids and us but has a little more style/better fuel economy. I'm thinking possibly a CR-V.

26. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes. Now it's 79.7 degrees outside

27. Favorite store? Target. Where else can you go to buy a printer ink cartridge, personal lubricant, and five pounds of almonds? Exactly.

28. Like someone? Huz. Andy and I have these 'dates' where we sit in the kitchen, drink wine, and talk. It's sort of nice after 8 years of marriage to still have something to say to one another.

29. Your favorite color? Green (like my cooking)

30. When was the last time you laughed? Earlier. When I came downstairs and found a naked RC coming in the back door stating "I just peed on the deck."

31. Last time you cried? Years. My mom calls us 'the frozen chosen.' Just keep pushing those emotions down, pushing them down.

And hey, look! I'm breaking with tradition and tagging JCK at Motherscribe (cause she's going to Blogher and I'm soooo envious) and Fran at Merlot Mom (cause she is too, dammit!).

One Liners

Overheard in our little Cabina Contenta:

Andy: Why don't I make us two more Gin and Tonics?
MM: Have you seen the week I've been having?
Andy: Yeah...
MM: Do you really think it's a good idea for me to begin tomorrow with a hangover?
Andy: Point taken. Water?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andy: I can't find the remote.
MM: Well, RC did get into the fireplace today. Did you check there?
Andy: Nope. Just graham crackers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bossy's Ten Word Tuesday Challenge. Life Out of Control Edition:

RC: fish food, and water and, Marshmallow Fluff, oh my!

You Know You Want Some

Louisa’s* Sangria Recipe

7 Liters** of red wine (nothing too fancy)
1 L- apple brandy
1 L- orange juice (best with pulp)
0.5 L- lemon juice (concentrate is fine)
1 L- apple juice
3 lbs. of oranges (optional: 1 lb. Lemons)
3 cups of sugar

11 liters total volume + fruit = need about a 15 liter container

Dissolve sugar in 2 cups of very hot water
Chop fruit and squeeze out juice
Add parts to Sangria

Chill overnight

~~~~~~~
* Louisa is my neighbor. She makes the best Sangria I've ever tasted.
** 1 Liter = 0.264 gallons. This recipe makes approximately 3 (2.904) gallons of Sangria.

*** Now updated to include picture of finished product!

Yes, it's in a bucket. I don't have a five gallon punch bowl - do you? Can I borrow it?

Yes, I bought the bucket new and scrubbed it before using it.

Yes, it takes up practically all of my fridge.

Yes, I taste-tested it - and it. is. yummy.