WWSD - Dipshit Friday

I'm sharing a similar thought with Sarah, in her Trenches of Mommyhood, "If a blogger blogs but every other blogger is at BlogHer, will anyone read it?" 

So, as I sit in my kitchen *not* at a bar in NYC, I thought I'd live vicariously by linking to two of my favorite bloggers, one of whom (Sarah) is also *not* at BlogHer but with whom I have shared a drink, and one who is, Jean, Queen of Stimelyand, rodent aficionado, and friend with whom I had dinner at BlogHer '09. One of Jean's newest, funniest, and (IMHO) most brilliant ideas is Dipshit Friday, in which we lay it all out there and share one of life's blunders.  Shall we begin?

Every year, Andy's family plans a week together on Cape Cod.   Nearly every year, we have rented the same house. It's a lovely cottage with plenty of private space for us, the boys, and my mom, who enjoys her own little suite on the first floor away from the chaos that is my immediate family.  One of its best features is a gorgeous deck right off of our 2nd floor bedroom, with a fantastic view of the beach from the side and the river and salt marshes in the back. The Cape tradition started when everyone was in town for Andy's and my wedding, 10 years ago and subsequently, our anniversary frequently falls during our vacation week. 

A few years back, my mom kept the kids so Andy and I could enjoy a nice anniversary dinner, which we did along with a bottle of wine.  Upon returning to the house, we decided to share a romantic drink on the deck, in the moonlight.  Things progressed nicely and maybe a half hour later, Andy and I reentered our bedroom through the open door to (ahem) continue celebrating our anniversary only to find....every surface of the room covered with flying bugs of every description!

For the next hour, we two dipshits jumped across the bed, swinging beach towels, ducking dive-bombing mosquitoes, itching like mad, and spraying anything aerosol at the disgusting (and quite resilient) creatures.  Let's just say that the mood died long before the last of the bugs did and I left Andy to fight the good fight, choosing to sleep on the family room couch.

I was awakened the next morning by my rather confused but smiling mother who admitted that, judging by the racket coming from the ceiling of her bedroom, it definitely sounded as if we had very much enjoyed our anniversary...

The Politically Incorrect Post

This morning, while in line in HRH's schoolyard waiting for the teacher, Gremlin noticed something. Something he's not run into before. In his best stage whisper, he screamed said to me "Mommy, that lady has a black thing on her face!" Sure enough the mom directly in front of us had a beauty mark, just a little smaller than a dime, right above her lip.

I tried to play it off cool and informed him "Oh, sweetie, that's a mole. Like the one you have right here," pointing to the tiny pencil dot mole on his clavicle.

"No Mom! That one's a LOT bigger than mine..."

Thankfully, the line began to move and the playground was noisy. I don't know if she heard us as I ushered him away going into my "everyone's different" song and dance. And quite honestly, she had a big ass mole on her face. No harm, no foul.

Not so much with Gremlin's last astute observation:

The boys and I were in Whole Foods when Gremlin noticed a little person who works there. I had seen her before, probably noted it, and not thought much more about it. Grem thought A LOT about it. And he was delighted!

Again in his stage whisper, Gremlin stood not ten feet from her grabbing my shirt to draw my attention and screamed said "Look, Mom! She's so LITTLE!"

Oh. God. There are certain observation situations (unusually overweight people and those in wheelchairs come to mind) that you're semi-prepared to explain and not feel too badly about. This one? Not so much.

Still with the talking, Gremlin has moved onto "She's a grown up! But she's LITTLE! Like me!"

While again singing my "everyone's different" song, I gave the Whole Foods lady an apologetic smile and dragged my boys into another aisle.

With my hand over Gremlin's mouth.

Quick Takes Friday

1. The new boiler was installed last week! Woo hoo! In the process of removing the old boiler, they came across about a zillion sugar ants living in a nest under the boiler. I was actually embarrassed for a minute. Like not cleaning under the boiler made me a bad homemaker. Proof that I can be neurotic about anything.

2. The other night, I was walking back from the bathroom in my sleeping t-shirt and caught a glimpse of my physique in the mirror at the end of the hallway. At what I would have thought was the low point, a big chunk small crumb of Pop Tart fell off my shirt. And I started digging...

3. This week, I taken a kick boxing class and a my regular Friday yoga class. As God is my witness, I will never again allow myself to fall this badly out of shape again!

4. Andy recently compared K-Fed to Jabba the Hutt; he's fat, he's rich, and he's got Princess Leah in a metal bikini on a leash. In his heart he can't hate him. He has far exceeded any expectations anyone would have set for his life. And yes, he's joining Celebrity Fit Club.

5. If you link over to the www.kevinfederline.com, there's just a picture placeholder showing him diving into an empty pool and says "official site coming soon".

6. We attended our good friends' wedding this past weekend in Vermont. Completely sober and engaged in polite conversation with the bride's uncle, whom I had never met before, I shifted my weight from one foot to another on a grassy area and collapsed like one of the Twin Towers. Flat on my ass.

7. Last week, while we were waiting for HRH in his school yard playground, Gremlin took it upon himself to leave the school yard, cross the busy street, and wait for us at the car. Even as I ran, I was strangely calm, knowing in my heart that he had gone back to the car. He and the crossing guard, Mary, are now on a first name basis.


Thanks to Conversion Diary for providing an easy re-entry idea for my neglected blog.

Shameless Wednesday

In my defense, it was 1986.

Now I double dog dare you; post yours.

Life - A Snapshot

Background:

HRH's class has been given a few disposable cameras and an assignment to take pictures of their house, neighborhood, favorite room, family, etc. HRH is the last in the class to take the camera home. There were about seven or eight pictures left.

Scene:

Manic Mommy stepping out of the shower, naked as the day she was born (clearly, you can already see where this is headed).

A knock on the door.

RC enters carrying disposable camera that is part of HRH's homework.

RC: I just want to take one picture.

MM (mirror strategically behind her, of course) simultaneously reaches for a towel and the camera. Screeches: NOOOOO!!! Don't take the picture!!

Options:

1. Run camera over with newly-repaired truck.

2. Develop all pictures to determine if nudie pic of naked mommy was, in fact taken. Also to be taken into consideration: person working the photo desk at Target.

3. Hand the camera back to kindergarten teacher and hope for the best.

Why I'm Going to Hell

The New Girl has been polling the blogosphere lately asking what we'd like to hear about. One recent post was Memories (no cheesy spelling here) in which she talks about those memories that are much more visceral than others; where you can really feel the emotions just as the events unfolded on the day they occurred. In one, TNG talks about not paying for the hot chocolate of a mentally challenged man who didn't have enough money to pay at a gourmet shop. It started me thinking about some of those not-so-proud moments from my past. Here's one.

We're in our late teens/early twenties returning from a midnight show in my friend, Joe's car. There were six of us slammed into his '79 Dodge Aspen, with three of my good-sized guy friends in the backseat. We're stopped at a red light when Buffalo Stance comes on the radio (yes, it's playing in the background right now) so we turn. it. up. and commence with the over-the-top singing and dancing. The guys in back start noticing how the car bounces when they slam into each other and gyrations continue.

As the light changes from red to green, we notice the car next to us, with a couple inside giving us the finger as they take off. WTF? Being a bunch of pseudo-adolescents, we goad Joe into following them to find out what the deal is. Please keep in mind that we're hardly a bunch of thugs. I mean, we all met at Catholic school for God's sake! We're just being absurd and want to find out why they gave us the finger.

We move from a pretty main road in our town to a more residential neighborhood. They definitely know we're following them. They make the fatal mistake of turning onto a dead end street and with that, the guy slams their car into park and jumps out of the car, intent on protecting his girlfriend.

Our boys get out of the car as well only to learn that…the couple is deaf. When we were dancing in the car, they thought we were making fun of them using sign language and flipped us off! They were scared to death.

For what it was worth, everyone (and by everyone, I mean the guys because thank GOD, my girlfriend and I had never gotten out of the car, so I was able to just slide under the dashboard and watch everything unfold) apologized and explained what we thought had occurred, and that of course they weren't planning to beat this couple up (Really! I mean it! We weren't those type of kids! Please don't judge me!). In the end, the guys shook hands and all was 'well.'

I'm pretty sure I went to church the next day. Doesn't matter, my elevator is still going down.

Thanks, TNG for helping me to dredge up that painful memory. Now I'm going to have to go to church again.

High School Note

Circa 1983/Freshman Year. Written between my friend, Chris and me. I will try to capture spelling, caps, grammar, etc. She starts.

Dear Chris,
How's life? Mine's good, you should have heard Crick (another friend) last night. It was wizza funny! Joey (Chris' older brother -- in COLLEGE!) walked in and she was bouncing up and down and he trew a pillow at me, he saw Crick bouncing up and down and after that, she felt like a fool. So I went downstairs w/the pillow and he was waiting for me. So he jumped up from the cabinets and scared me half to death.

w/b (write back)
*&*% (strange symbol meant to look like her signature)

Me:
Chris.
Youe You've got good taste in guys. Gary is lucous lucious!

But your bROTHER is GORGEOUSer! I think I'm in love (seizure) definitely orgazm (I'm guessing inside joke?).
I'm glad he's your brother and I'm your friend. So friend can I move in with you. This is not just a physical thing either. Although he is GORGEOUS. I refuse to drool or spend my life waiting for him to bend over. Like some people who shall remain nameless (CRICK and SHERYL)
w/b
Love
#$5% (my "signature")

Her:
oh yeah, #$%$, real nameless! I love Gary. I've been in love with him ever since June. But I'll always like him. I don't mean to sound conceited but we both like eachother. It's just 'cuz of our age difference. Even though I'll like somebody else as time goes on for a while I'll always feel something special for Gary.
His brother (sitting behind us) isnt too bad either but he's about 23 (?). It's bad enough that Gary's 20...but who cares, I don't! He is so luscious Jodee nor Gena think he's too hot. They're blind!!! Seizure or orgazm you ask??? Well, I pick ORGASM!!
Love,
*&^$#