Soap Operas and Bon Bons - That's Me...

7:00 pm Wednesday night - Email from neighbor (N1) asking if I can pick up her kindergartener (Lila) after school and drop her off at the sitter's as the sitter will be one child heavy for a safe car ride.  No problem except Thursday is yoga day.  If Lila would like to join us for yoga, I can drop her off at the sitter's after that.  Lila likes yoga, all is well.  Simple.

12:50 pm today -  Nurse's office calls stating HRH is complaining of groin pain.  He had complained of this a week ago and Andy explained he had pulled a muscle, relax and it'll pass.  Second occurrence, we worry about a hernia.  Change of plans: No yoga. Pediatrician.

12:55 - En route to pick up Gremlin at preschool. Plan to speak to other neighbor (N2), whose son (Jack) is in Gremlin's preschool class - and also has a kindergartner - to see if she can drop Lila at sitter's.  Jack is out sick today.  N2 not at preschool. 

1:05 pm - Call N2's cell to run plan by her. No answer/leave voicemail.  Call N2s home number.  No answer.  Contemplate calling own husband (Andy) to have him call N2's Husband's (NH2) cell to see if he knows his wife's where-abouts.  Get Andy's voicemail.  Don't leave message.

1:15 pm - Arrive at HRH's school.  HRH bops out of nurse's office a little too energetically for one in so much pain.  Get incredibly rudimentary explanation of hernia from very nice school nurse.  Leave school.  Gremlin has nervous breakdown in playground as we are *not* stopping to play.

1:20 pm - Call pediatrician from car to see if we should drive there immediately.  Nope but do have 3:45 appointment today.  I can pick up Lila at regular time but not sure if day care provider will be home an hour earlier than anticipated.

1:25 pm  - Gremlin jumps oddly on couch connecting his knee with his nose, resulting in nose bleed.

1:30 pm - Kids in front of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.  Back to work! N1 is a nurse practitioner who works in a maximum security prison and is not allowed a cell phone at work.  Call N1's husband (NH1), who is currently traveling for work in DC.  He has no idea of gyrations going on up here but I have his cell #!  Explain all and instruct him to call sitter to find out if she will be available to receive Lila an hour earlier than expected.  Await call back.

1:35 pm - NH1 reaches sitter.  All is well.  She will expect Lila at regular time.

1:45 pm - N2 returns my voice mail.  She is onboard to pick up Lila along with her own kindergartner and drop off at sitter.

1:50 pm - Text NH1 with school phone number so he can tell school to release Lila to N2.  Also must mention that Lila was originally supposed to attend after-school enrichment yoga with me.

2:01 - UPS arrives with new starter for Daddy's boat.  HRH carries 15 lb package from front door to kitchen table.


I'm sorry, Angela.  It seemed like such a simple thing...

OMG - Ohm My God

Wine or chocolate, wine or chocolate?  Oh alright. If you insist. Both.

HRH's school has a very enthusiastic PTO that sponsors many activities.  One of the main reasons I'm home with the kids is to take an active role in their lives both in and out of school.  I try to volunteer as often as I can and generally really enjoy doing it.

When the PTO posted in the school newsletter that they were desperately in need of volunteers to assist with the after-school enrichment programs, I offered my services, provided they didn't mind an additional, slightly younger student in the mix.  They snapped me up.

Reasons Christine thought it would be a good idea for the boys and me to take yoga together:
A. HRH had taken yoga in preschool and really enjoyed it.
B. Both boys enjoy learning poses from me and have 'mastered' Wii Fit yoga.
C. Winters are long here in the Northeast, with Spring beginning around June 1st. We are heavy on inside time and light on much-needed physical activity.  Yoga = exercise.  Right?  right??

Reasons Christine is a dumb-ass, rookie volunteer who deserves the hazing she is current enduring:
A. The class takes place immediately after school is dismissed for the day.
B. This class is primarily attended by children then going on to the after school day care program.
C. This class takes place hours (and hours) after lunches have been eaten.
D. This class takes place during the time that both those children going home and those going to day care are being fed snacks.
E. Yoga was specifically mentioned as the class requiring assistance.
F. In case there was any doubt, K and 1st Graders are not the target audience for a class featuring long any periods of concentration, holding still, and being quiet.

Rather than the laid back, healthy hour I anticipated spending with my boys and a handful of others in a state of blissful Zen,  I spend an hour herding cats; directing kids in and out of the bathrooms, taking bloody noses to the nurses office, and telling kids to keep their hands to themselves.  In short, I could've stayed home.

So when you do the math, it may seem like A+B+C = Good, healthy, positive time together.  Not necessarily.  In this instance, A+B+C = Effed.

Perhaps They Could Try Meditation?

Dear Skanks,

Thank you so much for disrupting my yoga class this morning by choosing that spot directly outside of the aerobics studio door to have your screaming fight. It was bad enough when I believed that you were fellow gym-goers. Imagine my surprise to learn that you were not members but rather employees. Also, kudos on your weapon choices in your verbal sparring. "oh yeah" and "who do you think you're talking to" are indeed fighting words worthy of losing your jobs.

We are not a fancy gym (clearly). Our membership is largely mommies looking to lose baby weight and college kids. At the same time, we are thankfully not peopled by muscle-heads in workboots or (I thought) classless bitches waiting to gouge each other's eyes out.

I'm sure gym sales people such as yourselves will find no trouble finding work in this economy. Good luck in unemployment! Maybe you can each find a nice guy on permanent disability from a "back injury" incurred while loading trucks.

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last August after a full summer of gym-skipping and weight gain. Last weekend, it was brought back into sharp relief when I arrived at BlogHer weighing nearly 10 pounds more than I did at the beginning of the summer. Who the eff gains weight to meet people they're hoping to impress? Me! The same person who should be working to increase her readership thanks to wonderful contacts made at aforementioned BlogHer and instead posts a repeat!

Thanks, PMS/peri-menopause/metabolism freak-out/stress-eating/empty alcohol caloric intake/total lack of exercise. And of course, my children. And now, we at SJAMM proudly present...

You Can't Go Om Again...

Dick Clark:
Welcome to $25,000 Pyramid! Let's play our game!


Joan Van Ark:
Babysitting
Day Camp
Family Time
Hangover
Playdates
Running of the Brides
Swimming Lessons
Vacation
Weekend Get-Away
Yoganatrix

Brett Sommers:
Reasons why Christine hasn't been to yoga in over a month?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Gavin McLeod:
Loss of Flexibility
Loss of Muscletone
Neck Pain
Return of Cellulite
Stressed Out
Weight Gain

Charles Nelson Reilly:
Results of Christine's absence from yoga?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Paul Lynde:
Glad to Be Back
Out of Shape
Stiff
Tired
Uncoordinated

Whoopie Goldberg:
How Christine felt to be back in yoga today?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Dick Clark:
Christine wins three months of yoga at her gym to get back to where she was in June!

Thank you all for playing our game!


Namaste.

Pheromone Phriday

There's a hot guy in yoga class and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I mean, on the one hand THERE'S A HOT GUY IN YOGA CLASS! He's got a sort of Taye Diggs quality about him although not quite as buff (few are). Did I mention he groans and breathes heavily when he's working a posture? He's friendly, complimentary of our work, and earnestly trying. And two weeks in a row, he's parked his mat next to mine!

On the other hand, he's changing the atmosphere of the class. The Friday class is made up of women like me, a few older women, and like one guy there with his pregnant wife. Yoga is one of the few places I go where I don't think about how I look. I'm going there to improve my body and calm my mind. Now suddenly, I'm wondering about or worse yet, checking out my ass as I move through Warrior II into Extended Side Angle.

The thing is I'm not the only one acting like a sophomore trying to be cool in front of the captain of the football team. Class regular, Liz is sidling up to a stretched-out Taye before class and providing him with a demonstration of how he might better work his downward dog. Mmm Hmm. And Lisa, our bookish, sweet instructor is suddenly spending juuuust a leettle more time with him "may I assist you?" she asks. But that's not what I see in her eyes.

So. What to do? I suppose I'll look on it as a positive. Skipping Friday yoga won't be quite as attractive as it's been at times. I really needed some cute new yoga clothes. And we'll find out if sweatproof makeup lives up to the hype.

Namaste.

Nutrisystem By the Numbers

Days on Nutrisystem: 21

Nutrisystem meals eaten: 61*

Number of spinach salads eaten: 42

Most surprisingly good Nutrisystem entree: tie: Chicken Salad and Cajun Chicken and Rice

Number of Nutrisystem entrees that smell like dogfood: 1 (Homestyle Beef and Gravy - eww)

Number of Nutrisystem "suggested" entrees most likely to be donated to a food pantry: 1 (Split Pea Soup - double eww)

Total ounces of water consumed: 1,344
% increase: 200%

Total trips to the ladies room: Incalculable

Total Glasses of Wine Consumed: 4*
% decrease: 73%

Total Starbucks Venti Chai's Consumed: 3
% decrease: 86%

Estimated number of vices remaining: 3

Number of yoga classes attended during first two weeks of program: 0

Number of yoga classes attended in third week of program: 4

Total Weight Lost: 7.5 lbs

Average cost per pound lost: $29.90

Average pounds lost per day: 0.36 lbs

Number of days until Disney World trip: 26

Manic Mommy Goes to Step Aerobics...

Damn it. Five minutes late. Maybe I'll just do the machines. Nah. Just go in.

Oh great. Only space left located behind the column. Just as well, I don't like to cause a fuss. Heh.

Out of step and out of breath. Already.

OMG. If the instructor's ass jiggles, what must I look like?

What was I thinking trying to do football drills after birthing two babies?

Back from Ladies Room. Much better.

It's 9:20. Maybe I'll leave at 9:30.

Shit. I've already finished my water.

Jeez. Someone in here really smells bad.

OMG. I hope it's not me.

Probably not me.

I'm hungry. Wish I'd eaten something.

Nah. I would have thrown it up by now.

Why does the instructor keep coming over by me?

Wrong foot (again).

Maybe that's why.

Oh, I remember this from when I used to take Step back in the 90s...in my 20s.

That woman in the back is taking her pulse. Is she having a heart attack?

God, all I need is the white man's overbite and I'll look like Billy Crystal at a wedding.

I was dancing at the wedding Saturday night. Does that count as exercise?

Nah. Probably just offsets the food and drinking.

Those stuffed mushrooms were delicious.

Heh. The girl with the tattoos is finally out of step.

Wow. Marilyn's only lifting one weight at a time. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought.

Damn. She's got the eight pounders.

Oh! Abba! Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeen.

My lungs are burning.

Maybe I'll stay for my regular yoga class after this.

Need to take a little rest or I'm gonna die.

Probably not staying for yoga.

I feel so bad for Jen having to be behind me.

I wonder if I'll get better if I come every week.

Thank God. It's 9:50. We're almost done.

I'm gonna make it.

What? We're doing crunches now?

Crunches? Dude.

I...am...so...DONE...

You Can't Go Om Again...

Dick Clark:
Welcome to $25,000 Pyramid! Let's play our game!


Joan Van Ark:
Babysitting
Day Camp
Family Time
Hangover
Playdates
Running of the Brides
Swimming Lessons
Vacation
Weekend Get-Away
Yoganatrix

Brett Sommers:
Reasons why Christine hasn't been to yoga in over a month?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Gavin McLeod:
Loss of Flexibility
Loss of Muscletone
Neck Pain
Return of Cellulite
Stressed Out
Weight Gain

Charles Nelson Reilly:
Results of Christine's absence from yoga?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Paul Lynde:
Glad to Be Back
Out of Shape
Stiff
Tired
Uncoordinated

Whoopie Goldberg:
How Christine felt to be back in yoga today?

Bell:
Ding! Ding! Ding!


Dick Clark:
Christine wins three months of yoga at her gym to get back to where she was in June!

Thank you all for playing our game!


Namaste.

Clipped

This post is cut and pasted (with permission) directly from an email I received from my cousin, a teacher, last evening. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Hi everyone!

This is both funny and disturbing at the same time, but I wanted to share. If you are weirded out about personal girly things, involving a friend or cousin as the case may be, stop reading now, and go about your business. But if the intrigue of the matter overshadows that, (Christine?) read away.

So I'm in work today and it is one of those crazy days. My assistant was out and there was no substitute, so my boss was with me. I am in my dramatic play area with the kids, and I'm kneeling down tying an apron on one of my students, since we are doing a restaurant theme.

Now picture this, I am completely on my knees, and somehow a clipboard (for taking food orders you know!) gets placed on it's side and somehow makes its way between my legs. I then decide to sit backwards, so as to put my butt on the back of my calves. (OK, this is where it gets gross...)

Now I can't manage to be accurate for anything else, but somehow my girly parts made direct and hard contact with the edge of the clipboard, causing significant pain. Then, 2 seconds later, I realize that blood is gushing down my legs. So now I bolt out of the classroom to the bathroom to clean up, to realize that it is not stopping!

So in what became a total comedy, I run to my desk to grab pads, (thankfully I keep a stash of them), one of my supervisors takes me in the bathroom to check out my injury. I later found out that she didn't realize the exact location of the injury, thinking it was just on my groin - I didn't get to show her thankfully.

Now mind you, I don't have the car, it is in [city 15 miles away] with [husband], and now I have to call my gyno to tell her that I have a vaginal injury due to sitting on a clipboard. So my friend drives me to [husband's work] to get the car, I drive to my mother's to get clothes to change into (yup, had to wear her undies too - turned them inside out, and was still padded) and head off to the doctor.

At the doctor's office, I was a bit of a celebrity because they were practically taking bets as to how the injury actually happened. The top of the list was that the metal clip on the top of the clipboard clipped me. Once they found out what happened, they decided that a metal clip may have been better. So the nurse practitioner comes in to examine me and I believe her exact words were "OK, let me see what we have - OH GOD!" Not a very promising thing to hear when you are laying in stirrups on a table.

So they get my regular doctor to check me out and she determines that what I did to myself was the equivalent of giving birth, (to a clipboard!!!) kind of like a do-it-yourself home episiotomy. She then debates about giving me stitches, but decides that the pain involved in that might be worse.

So now, I am bruised, swollen, and have to use a squirt bottle when I pee. And to top it all off, no sex until I am completely healed. People at work think that [husband] is going to sue for pain and suffering. But the best part of all of this is that I have to fill out an accident report at work. Now what do I write on that...

So thumbs up to any of you who have given birth vaginally. The pain/discomfort involved in a c-section is nothing compared to how I currently feel! Hope none of you is too weirded out by this and that your days went better than mine. Well, off to put a bag of frozen peas down my pants.


I...have nothing to add.

It Hurts to Type

Here's a quiz for you:

What do you get when you combine this:And this?
Answer: The Yoganatrix

We had a substitute for yoga today. Now, normally, the term "substitute teacher" makes me think of diagramming sentences (I use to love diagramming sentences, it really appealed to my sense of organization). Moreover, it makes me think of slacking off. Wrong!! (Insert annoying buzzer noise here.) Normally, Monday yoga features Lisa. She, of the 'Don't-do-this-posture-if-it-causes-any-discomfort/Would-you-like-a-backpress?'-Lisa. It's a nice way to ease into the week.

Today, we had Pa-tree-see-ah. Or perhaps it was she who had us. I should have seen bad things coming when we started off in Child Pose. Anyone not familiar with this yoga position may visualize Wayne and Garth in full we're-not-worthy-posture. Only instead of Alice Cooper, we were worshiping at the altar of Pa-tree-see-ah.

She's this beautiful, black-haired, petite Latina, with a mellifluous accent. When you've been holding in Proud Warrior so long that it feels more like Begging Peasant, she coos, "I know your legs are on fire but hold it for a moment longer...for me." And the thing is, like any good submissive, you find yourself wanting to please her. You want her to tell you "A-very good!"

So today, muscles that I've never used in nearly a year of "regular" yoga are waking up and kicking me in the head. At the end of class, I rolled over to my friend and fellow yogi and mused that if we were to follow the Yoganatrix's training for just a month or two, we'd be 120 pounds and CUT. Or we'd be dead.

Namaste.