To Whom It May Concern

Dear Heinz/Hellmans/French's:
I'm sick of your upside-down bottles. They're awkwardly sized and you really waste a lot when you get to the bottom (err, top?). I'm a big girl; I can handle flipping it over and shaking it a little. What ever happened to anticipation anyway?

Dear ESPN:
Your announcers suck. It's not just that they are biased against the Red Sox but they don't even announce the game. Rather, they wander off on semi-relevant tangents and come back from commercial in the middle of play. I recognize this last complaint is not the announcers' fault but I just wanted to demonstrate my own tangent-ability.

Dear Mom at Stop and Shop:
Thanks so much for bringing your tweens shopping with you. Next time, might I suggest they skip the Heelys and you keep them in the same vicinity as you? Bet you'd be the first person to sue if the children were to wipe out in the frozen foods aisle.

Dear Heelys:
Your website is as obnoxious as your product. Good luck with that.

Dear Museum of Science:
Even if charging one adult and two children $54.00 for a few hours at the museum does not preclude you from being able to call yourself "not-for-profit", charging $24.00 for a plate of mac n cheese, chicken fingers, and a salad does. PS, those Bakugans in the gift shop you're charging $19.99 for? Sell for $7.99 at Target.

Dear XM:
If you're going to have an entire station dedicated to The First Wave/early 80s, go the extra mile and assume that your listeners would like to hear the extended version of of Bullet the Blue Sky.

You are forgiven for this oversight because you played Save a Prayer right after The Cure.

Dear Me:
Awesome decision to go with the sunroof and XM. Driving down the highway just past dusk on a not-too-hot August night, listening to Duran Duran with the volume turned up is one of life's great pleasures.

Roadtrip!

Making our annual pilgrimage to Storyland for one last long summer weekend.

Peace out.

About Last Night...

Gremlin to Night Terror

Daddy to Gremlin
Manic Mommy to Gremlin

Daddy to Kitchen for drink(s)

HRH (camping on Gremlin's floor) to Mommy and Daddy's bed
Cat to Mommy and Daddy's bed

Mommy and Gremlin to Potty

Daddy to Bed

Gremlin to Bed

Mommy to M&D Bed to retrieve HRH
HRH to Campsite
Cat to Hallway
HRH to own bed to be with cat
Cat to Bathroom Sink for drink

Mommy to Downstairs to retrieve Dog
Mommy and Dog to Crate in M&D Room
Mommy to Downstairs to lock up
Mommy to Downstairs for water
Mommy and Cat to HRH's Room

Mommy to Bathroom
Mommy to Gremlin's Room for last check

Mommy to BED.


* With a shout out to the inimitable Holly at June Cleaver Nirvana and her animated life. As I was going about this business last night, I could only think of diagramming it.

By the Wayside

Things you gave up:

Preemie clothes
0-3 months
6-9 months
12 months
2T
3T
4T
(All Ts)
3:00 am feedings
Baby Food
Baby gates
Baby talk
Being burped
Booster seat
Bottles
Bouncy seat
Breastfeeding
Burp cloths
Co-sleeping (most of the time)
Cradle
Crawling
Crib
Diapers
Diaper bag
Eating spaghetti with your hands (most of the time)
Elmo
Exersaucer
Feety pajamas
Glider in your room
Gymini
High chair
Infant car seat
Infant Tylenol
Mashed bananas
Naps (oh...naps)
Onesies
Pack n play
Peek a boo
Pluggies*
Pull ups
Receiving blankets
Reflux
Rice cereal
Riding backward
Teething
Toddler bed
Tummy time
Screeching when you see the cat
Snaps on your pant legs


But always my babies...

What don't your babies do anymore?

Peeps, in the Big Wide World

Day 793 of summer vacation: We are meeting my sister and her three youngest at The Children's Museum in Boston around noon to see the Peep in the Big Wide World Exhibit. She has already fed her kids. I have not. The plan is that I will grab lunch for them at the Au Bon Pain downstairs then meet her in about 15-20 minutes.

I am delighted that the boys can have mac n cheese and chicken nuggets at this particular Au Bon Pain while I can eat a decent salad and iced tea. We join the sea of humanity attempting to order and retrieve food, cafeteria-style. Did I mention it was noon? While balancing our lunch and keeping track of the two boys, we search for a seat. Uh, not happening. Looks like dining al fresco in the 90 degree/90% humidity heat! No tables outside either, but there's a little wall surrounding a tree that I've got my eye on.

Just as we settle down and I arrange our food on the makeshift table, Gremlin begins the pee-pee dance. My response? "No. Tell your peeps to wait." I don't know where the bathrooms are, there are hoards of people everywhere, there is no strategically placed copse of trees, and we have not yet begun to eat. Also, we just left the house a half hour ago where I assure you, I asked him repeatedly if he had to go before we left. At least I think I did. I mean, I always do...

You can know what happens next. Gremlin has an accident. Pees all over his pants, all over his shirt (wtf?), down his legs and into his socks and sneakers. Luckily, he is unfazed. I apologize for not believing the urgency of the situation, shovel down a little more of my salad, and contemplate our options.

Half an hour later, we're heading for (more) Peep. Gremlin is the proud owner of a $17.00 Children's Musuem t-shirt, we've walked back to the parking garage where (messy car pays off!) I find a bathing suit (HRH's) and a pair of his Keens. Oh, and I scrubbed him up as best I could.

What Would You Do With $6,500.00?

I could buy this Rolex for Andy:
I could buy this diamond ring for me:
Apparently, I could buy a Civil War musket from this guy:
(God love the Google search)

I could rent this place in Cabo San Lucas for a week:
Excuse me, I meant a night. Yeah, that deserves a second photo:
Or this place in the South of France for a week:
(but not in June, July, or August)

I could buy this original Star Trek artwork:(and no shit, there's a ton of other Star Trek paraphernalia that I couldn't buy with $6,500.00!


I could buy this Corvette:
I could buy the boys 1,200 Wii Games:

Or we could buy a new boiler. Guess which one we're doing?

What would you do?

The Puppy Whisperer

Scene: MM and Daddy sitting on the couch, watching attempting to watch the Red Sox lose to the Tampa Rays. Our adorable Daisy-dog having bored of tearing apart yet another rattan coaster has now reengaged the parents using those wonderful serrated little puppy teeth.

I watched as Andy calmly began the training process again. Speaking softly but firmly as she nipped again and again. Explaining to me what he was doing; Alpha male, puppy tantrum, etc. It was sort of fascinating. Or maybe that was the Merlot talking.

As he further explained her motives and responses, it occurred to me. So I asked;

MM: Dude, if you can do this with the dog, why can't you do it with the kids? Now that would be impressive.

Andy (wistfully): Some people can...

** many toes were harmed in the taking of this picture.