To Whom It May Concern - The "Where Have You Been 'Young' Lady?" - Edition

January -
Dear Funky Mammogram, what a great way to start off the year!  But thanks for being there for me.

March -
Dear Needle Biopsy, you are not nearly as painful as your name would suggest.  I am so glad you turned out to be a negative guy.  Positive can be such a downer sometimes, y'know?

April -
Dear Gremlin, we made it!  You're five years old.  I know it was touch and go for a while there - especially during those terrible twos (and threes) but here we are!  Thank you, I love you.

May -
Welcome acquiring company!  Thank you for asking! I'd love a large Blue Cross Blue Shield with a PPO and a side of dental.  What's that?  You've just got New Coke, circa 1985.  Oh, I guess that'll be almost as good.  Thanks.

June -
Dear company that strung us along for the past six months with promises of the ideal job only to go with nepotism in the end.  This is me, pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you, then pointing two fingers up to my eyes then pointing them toward you. Understood?

July -
Dear Andy, have fun at the trial in Texas.  Sorry you had to miss our Cape vacation.  With your family. And our anniversary.  I mean our 10th anniversary.

September -
Dear Birthday,  beginning in 2011, you will take place sometime in May. I hope this change isn't too inconvenient to you but I think you'll agree that a time not coinciding with the first week of school will allow us some more time to enjoy one another's company.

November -
Dear Former Company, Pfffft!
Dear Lymphoma, just like a coward, you bring a knife to a gun fight.  Back the eff away from my friend.  Good boy. Now stay...staaay...

Dear 2010,
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Dear 2011,
Welcome, my year of health, prosperity, happiness, new job, and new house!  Treat me right and I'll recommend you to all my friends.  Treat me wrong and I'll make you wish you were 2001.