Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The June Cleaver Response

We've all been on the phone with someone and either you or they say "well, I'd better let you go now" when in reality, it's the person saying it who actually wants to get off the phone.  The little trigger in our heads that makes us say that is "The Politeness Filter".  Scientists have recently discovered a correlating filter that operates in the Mommy Brain.  For our purposes, we'll call it "The June Cleaver Response" or JCR.

Much in the same way the Politeness Filter helps us more easily move through society, the JCR helps us navigate the waters of parenthood in such a way that future therapy bills are kept to a minimum, also allowing us stay well below the radar of Child Protective Services.  Below are a few examples of the JCR in action:

Situation 1: Children milling around the room, underfoot, standing directly in front of exactly where you need to be.
Unfiltered Brain: Get the hell out of the kitchen!!
JCR: Why don't you guys play in the other room?

Situation 2: Child tattling on sibling.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care!  Just make it stop!
JCR:  Why don't you guys try to work it out yourselves?

Situation 3: Child prattling on unceasingly until you want to stick needles in your eyes.
Unfiltered Brain: Shut up! Shut the f&#k up!!!
JCR:  Sweetie, why don't you rest your voice for a little while?
Note: In the car this translates as: Let's play "who can be quietest the longest?"!

Situation 4: Anything involving food
Unfiltered Brain: For the millionth time, stop eating like a cow!
JCR: Honey, remember to chew with your mouth closed.

Situation 5: Child up for the 3rd/8th/11th time after being put back to bed.
Unfiltered Brain: I don't care if you sleep or not.  Stay in that bed before I tie you to it!
JCR: Just lie in bed and think about all the fun things you'd like to do tomorrow...

Situations 6 through infinity: (fill in the blank)
Unfiltered Brain:  Are you insane? What were you thinking!?
JCR: Buddy, that wasn't a good choice.

Our research would be greatly enhanced by additional examples provided by the reader.

* Apparently the unfiltered brain is quite profane when left to its own devices.

** This post is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual persons, blogging or deceased is purely coincidental. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Never Question the Nickname

Scene: Driving home from an impromptu day trip to the Cape.  A day which featured orange soda and fried clams at Spanky's Clam Shack, hitting two buckets of balls at the driving range, hundreds(ish) of dollars spent at the arcade, and frappes at Four Seas Ice Cream.

From the backseat, we hear HRH:  I don't remember too much appreciation these last few days... 

You and me both, buddy.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

There are only so many beings living in the house with the opposable thumbs necessary to fill a glass and return the bottle to the fridge with this much juice remaining.  I will find you.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

25 Things I Now Know As a Parent

Over at SuperSisters Jen (sister of my friend, Kristen) wrote the best post and invited us all to play along.  I'd love to hear what you've learned.

1. Even if they've been quietly entertaining themselves for a hour, the second you pick up the phone, they will need you.

2.  No matter how much healthy food you fed them as infants, they will not willingly eat it as preschoolers.

3. You can survive on far less sleep than you ever realized.

4. Classic Disney movies really are as good as you remember them being.

5. You really will love the second child just as much as the first - only differently.

6. It's extremely important to talk about parenting styles prior to getting married.

7.  You can sleep in any position if you're tired enough.

8.  You are your child's biggest advocate.  Never fear being "that mother."

9. Legos are probably the greatest toy ever invented.

10. Mommy kisses really do make boo-boos better.

11. No matter what the weirdest thing you've ever done or said, another mom has done or said it, too.

12. Time away from your children makes you a better parent.

13. If you're stressing out about being a good enough parent, you are.

14. You will say and do things as a parent you swore you never would.

15. Most every disgusting thing they do contributes to healthy immune system.

16.  Boys can make guns out of anything - Tinker Toys, tree branches, food...

17.  Toy guns won't make them serial killers any more than toy kitchens will make them gay*.  They are who they are.  Love them because of it, not in spite of it.

*no, I don't put the two in the same category

18. Kids like seeing their parents hug.

19. Time with a coloring book and crayons is very therapeutic.

20. You can never be too vigilant around water.

21. No matter how vigilant we are, sometimes, it's just luck and grace that keeps them safe.

22.  It's my job to stay healthy and well. I am very, very important to my children. 

23. Loving and liking your spouse provides your children with more of a sense of security than anything money could buy.

24. You have more patience than you ever knew.

25.  Boys are just wired differently than girls.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Ten Years

Love You, Babe.  Happily.  Ever and After.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Half Naked Truth

The always awesome Jason from The Jason Show recently posted some thoughts on nudity and asked his readers to share our favorite naked stories.  And who doesn't have one of those?  Without further ado, I humbly submit mine:

Back in the late 90s, in my late 20s, I was taking my last business trip out to California before I left my current job.  I was to meet up with our VP of Sales, Bob who had been my friend and mentor for the last seven years.  We were meeting with a series of companies headquartered in So Cal and capping it off with a sweet boondoggle Sales Meeting at a golf club in Rancho Santa Fe. 

Day one, I started off on the right foot by missing my early flight from Boston to LAX but managed to catch the next one -- with an upgrade to Business Class!  After meeting up at the Marriott,  Bob and I decided to go to Gladstone's on Sunset for dinner.  I had a glass of wine while we waited for our table and two more with dinner.  Upon our return to the hotel, we decided to hang in the cigar bar at the hotel (I mentioned it was the late 90s, right?) and ended up playing chess over another drink.

As I reached for my knight to make what I'm sure would have been a killer move,  I inadvertently took out most of the chess pieces.  Bob righted the board, suggested perhaps we should turn in, and walked me to the elevators. Apparently, all day travel + four glasses of wine + one meal in 24-hours for a 120-pound, 27-year-old woman was a bad combination.

Entering my hotel room, I took off my clothes, headed straight to the bathroom, (ahem) purged, and took a short nap.  Upon waking, I left the bathroom and walked...immediately...into...the...hotel corridor.  Naturally, the door locked behind me.   And there I stood; mostly asleep, still drunk, smelling not great, and wearing a t-shirt that barely covered the important parts - trying to formulate a plan.

- Appearing on Bob's doorstep in such a state was probably not such a good idea.
- Taking the elevator down to the lobby also held little appeal.
- Plan C?  Anyone? Bueller?

Just then, the door next to mine opened and a man appeared. Awesome. He took stock, reached the correct conclusion that I'd locked myself out, and generously offered to call Security.  He then asked if I'd like to wait in his room until they showed.  Dude, I'm drunk but not stupid.  Before I could formulate a less-rude reply, he said "correction, would you like to wait in my room with my sister and 14 month old niece?".  Oh.  Well then.  That's a horse of a different color. 

I enter his hotel room where his adorable niece is standing up in her Pack n Play clearly not ready to sleep.  I proceed to lean my make-up-smeared face over her, using my best auntie skillz while trying not to expose myself or breathe vomit/sleep breath on her.  Soon enough (probably not so for this family), Security arrived and I was let back into my hotel room to contemplate where one would find an AA meeting in the middle of the night in LA.

The next day at a breakfast meeting, God exacted His revenge by seating me next to a client who ordered sausage biscuits and gravy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Hardest Part is the Chopping

It's pretty well documented in the annals of this blog that I am not a cook.  However the one area in which I excel is appetizers.  I recently made this one for our annual Jimmy Buffett pilgrimage.  I think it may be the perfect recipe for hot weather snacking.

Greek-ish Seven Layer Dip

~ 8-oz. pkg. cream cheese, softened
~ 1 Tbsp. lemon juice
~ 1 tsp. dried Italian seasoning
~ 3 cloves garlic, minced
~ 1-1/2 cups prepared hummus
~ 1 cup chopped cucumber
~ 1 cup chopped tomato
~ 1 cup chopped pitted Kalamata olives (I hate olives so I only added it to one side of the dip)
~ 1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese
~ 1/3 cup sliced green onions
~ Pita chips

~ In medium mixing bowl beat cream cheese, lemon juice, Italian seasoning, and garlic with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth and combined.
~ Spread cream cheese mixture into a deep 9-inch pie plate, or shallow serving dish.
~ Evenly spread hummus on cream cheese layer.
~ Top with cucumber, tomato, olives, feta cheese, and green onions.
~ Cover and refrigerate 2 to 24 hours.
~ Serve with pita chips

Makes about 2-1/2 cups dip

Shout out to my neighbor, Jen's "Auntie" Barbara who brought this deliciousness to a birthday party a while back and to Better Homes and Gardens, I guess because they published it.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

Copied verbatim from Selfish Mom. Please take a minute to read this.  Then take another to copy and paste (AND SEND) Amy's well-written email and sign your own name.

Nothing good ever comes from me checking CNN before bed.  It’s usually my last stop, just to see what stupid thing Biden did or which vapid celebs are getting divorced.  But tonight it was this, about a mother of two who has been in prison in Iran for five years charged with adultery, who may be stoned to death at any time.

I’m on vacation and exhausted and have to get up early and don’t know what to say about this that isn’t already blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain.  It would be easy to just read about this impending atrocity and feel bad for a few minutes and then move on, feeling helpless.  And really, there may be nothing to be done.  But it’s worth a try.  This site suggests sending an email to Navi Pillay, UN High Commissioner for the Office of Human Rights.  Then tell your friends to send an email, and tell them to tell their friends.  Tweet it, Facebook, blog it, email it.  Iran is not completely immune to international pressure, so you never know.

Here’s my letter, use it or write your own.

Dear Ms. Pillay,
I am writing to you because I just read about the case of Sakine Mohammadi e Ashtiani, who is waiting in prison in Iran to be stoned to death.  While I know that there are many different views in the world about the death penalty that can be debated, I refuse to believe that anyone of any sense would think it anything less than barbaric to kill someone because of an alleged adultery, or to kill someone in such a horrible and tortuous way as stoning no matter what the crime.
I urge you to do whatever is in your power to pressure Iran to reverse this woman’s sentence and let her go free to return to her children, who have been without their mother for five years.  I cannot imagine why a group like the UN exists if not for this. If there is nothing that the UN can do about this – or if the UN is unwilling to try to intervene – then you should all pack your bags and go home.

I’m off to try to get some sleep, and hope that my dreams don’t include being buried up to my neck and having stones hurled at my head until my skull fractures and I die.

Thank you for posting, Amy.  I'm sending my email now. We're all in this together.

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